When Your Thinking Tanks
I saw this bumper sticker the other week and thought it was the best advice I’d seen in a long time: “Don’t believe everything you think.” Yet we do. All the time.
Personally, I believe our positive thoughts are much more likely to be accurate than our negative ones. Why? Maybe because we’re wired for disaster - it’s a survival thing - so we look for the bad, even when it’s not there. That’s all well and good if you live in the wilderness and mistake a shadow for a bear, but for the most part, our daily lives just aren’t that dangerous.
What is dangerous is the chronic stress we put ourselves through, as our bodies react to negative thoughts with a trickle (or flood!) of survival chemicals that put wear and tear on our organs and immune systems.
So how do we stop distorting our thoughts? The best antidote is to 1) be aware of them, 2) give them a reality check, and 3) actively replace them with something better. Our thoughts are so numerous and automatic that this may be hard at first. However, with a little practice you’ll soon recognize the wake of a distorted thought in your bodily sensations and emotions.
Here are just a few types of distorted thinking patterns you can look for:
Absoluting. We sometimes phrase our wants and desires in the form of absolute truths. This way of thinking creates unrealistic expectations and limits our ability to choose. Listen for words like “must,” “should”, and “ought to.”
“I must clean the house every week.” “My spouse/partner should have known I didn’t like that.”
Better to examine your expectations against what’s feasible, and decide what you can live with.
“I can live with a little dust as long as the kitchen is clean.” “I’ll let my spouse/partner know what I need.”
Doing the Can’t-Can’t. “Can’t.” “Won’t.” “Don’t.” These words hint that we may be killing our efforts before we even begin.
“I can’t find time for myself.” “I’m not the organized type.”
Instead, reframe the thought or ask yourself a question that leaves you open to possibility.
“How can I find time for myself?” “I’m going to ask for help in getting more organized.”
Monochrome thinking. Thinking in extreme, black & white terms makes it difficult to navigate in a world filled with shades of gray. Listen for the words “always”, “never”, “every”, “all”, and “nothing”.
“Why am I always so clumsy?” “She’s never considerate!”
A better approach is to focus on the current situation without globalizing.
“Oops! Gravity-1, me-0.” “Maybe she didn’t realized how much that hurt. I’ll let her know.”
Mind-reading. This one is very popular. We assume we know what others are thinking and make decisions about ourselves and the world based on little or no real information.
“He thinks I’m an idiot.” “Everyone knows I’m faking it.”
A sure-fire cure for this is to simply ask or, if you can’t ask, choose to let it go until you have outside confirmation.
“I value your opinion. Can you give me some pointers?” “I wonder how many other people here are as nervous as I am?”
Catastrophizing. Our minds have a flair for the dramatic which, while entertaining, can lead to undue stress and anxiety.
“This is going to be a disaster!” “I just know she’ll get the promotion instead of me.”
To benefit from self-fulfilling prophecies, shift your thoughts to the best possible outcome.
“I wonder what I’m going to learn from this experience?” “I’m proud that I do my job well. If I don’t get this promotion, something better will come along.”
In general, the best way to address distorted thinking is to examine it in full light. For the next 24 hours, look for your negative thoughts. Write them down if possible. Then play with how you can transform them into thoughts that lift you up instead of bring you down!
