Recently my husband and I watched “Les Triplettes de Belleville” on TV, a very quirky animated movie about an eccentric grandmother who rescues her kidnapped cyclist grandson with the help of three former vaudeville triplets. We had seen it in the theater in 2003, but I remembered almost nothing about the movie; I had only the vaguest memories of the setting, plot, and characters. Seeing it again, much of it was unfamiliar. Considering there are movies I saw decades ago where I can still recall many scenes line for line, I found this a bit distressing.

Interestingly, my husband pointed out to me that this movie is completely without dialogue. Everything’s communicated through gestures, expressions, scenery, sound effects, and action. And it dawned on me that, for me, recalling a movie like this is much like remembering what happened before age 2-1/2 or 3, when I didn’t have much language to speak of (literally).

I’ve always been pretty verbal, but the fact that language is so tied into my memory was a revelation. You’ve probably heard about how some people are visual, some auditory, and some kinesthetic (tactile) in the way they process information — it’s a fundamental principle of neurolinguistic programming (NLP). Realizing how much the delivery of a message relates to memory and recall gave me a new appreciation for understanding the way my clients think. If I communicate information in a way that’s easy for them to grasp, not only will they “get” my message in the moment, but they are more likely to retain that message over time. And this is critical in building long-term relationships with clients, and providing services that people might not want right now, but may need sometime in the future.

As for me, the next time I watch a movie without dialogue, I think I just might take some notes… 

“Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of
which they grow.” ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

Why is it that there are some people you can happily listen to all day
long, while others you wish would take up the art of mime? What makes some
people more charismatic than others? I think it boils down to A.P.P.E.A.L.
These individuals communicate in a way that’s:

Articulate
Powerful
Personal
Ethical
Authentic
Leveraged

Think about public speakers and authors who have had an impact on you.
They’re generally very clear about what they have to say, and say it with
strength and authority. Yet they connect with you; their message affects
you in a personal way. They are generally true to their values and
themselves, and their communication reflects that, even over time. Finally,
the words they use inspire you to take action in some way, even if it’s to
attend their next speech or read their latest book or article.

Nature or Nurture?

So is there something inherently special about these people that make them
appealing? Are they born with this charisma, or can it be cultivated? I
think the answer is both. Some people are naturally gifted communicators –
perhaps it’s in their genes. But (for those of you who don’t currently
consider yourselves good speakers or writers) I absolutely know that can be
cultivated through awareness and practice.

Let’s break this down to see how you can raise your level of
communication appeal.

Articulate. Whether you’re speaking to one person or one thousand, being
articulate doesn’t necessarily mean being clever or having a big
vocabulary. It boils down to knowing clearly why you’re communicating, who
you’re communicating to, and what you want your receivers to come away
with. Do a little planning, and you too can become more articulate!

Powerful. Being powerful doesn’t mean loud or overbearing. It means
being passionate about your topic and believing in your own words. Think of
Ghandi — quiet, unassuming… and very powerful. Because he was passionate
and believed in what he had to say. Align those two things and you become
unstoppable.

Personal. In trying to sound knowledgeable or important, it’s easy to
lose track of the real purpose of communicating — to “make common” or
connect. By infusing your words with the underlying purpose of connecting,
you make a greater and lasting impact on everyone you come in contact with.

Ethical. This comes down to practicing what you preach; conversing,
speaking and writing in a way that aligns with your values and actions.
This doesn’t mean that other people have to agree with you, but they will
respect you for that consistency.

Authentic. No one will use the same words you do, in the same way, with
the same effect. Ever. Celebrate that difference. While imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery, it only flatters the other person. Be naturally
yourself and you’ll be amazed at how positively others respond to you.

Leveraged. Some people communicate for the sake of hearing their own
voice, but at the end of the day, communication is really about action and
influence. In general, you communicate because you want someone to think
differently, feel differently, or act differently. By consciously
understanding your motives for engaging with other people, you can choose
to communicate in a way that leverages what you want (in a way that’s
ethical and authentic, of course.)

So being appealing isn’t as mysterious as it seems. The common thread in
all of this is to understand yourself, your message, and your audience well
– the rest will flow naturally from your unique qualities!

“Circumstances do not make the man, they reveal him.” James Allen

Last night we went out with friends for a birthday celebration dinner at a gourmet Mexican restaurant. It was my first visit there and the food was exceptionally good. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for our young waiter. We ordered drinks before dinner; when he returned he promptly dumped an entire strawberry margarita in my lap. (I’ll pause here for a moment while you giggle at the image…)

Fortunately (for him) I wasn’t really upset, despite being wet and sticky. In fact, we all went out of our way to help him not feel so badly about his mistake, until it dawned on us that he really didn’t feel very badly at all! He apologized in the same way you might say “Sorry, we’re out of Chilean seabass tonight.” We had to beg him for extra napkins to mop me up, ask him to comp the drink, and I then fermented in margarita in the same booth for the rest of our dinner.

All in all, it would have made for a funny story except that his disaster recovery was so atrocious. Luckily, I like to turn these things into life lessons. While it’s natural to focus on mistakes, the real issue is really how you recover from those mistakes. Handling missteps with integrity and grace is key to both better relationships and greater confidence in yourself.

For example, when you make a mistake with another person around, how do you handle it? Do you:

1) deny

2) laugh

3) blame

4) apologize

5) flee

6) ignore

I’m sure your response depends on the circumstances (and the mistake) but looking at how you handle mistakes says a lot about how you handle your life in general. How does your reaction affect the person impacted by your error? Do you make it better, or worse? And how does that impact you? For example, had the young waiter bent over backwards to fix the situation, he would have likely gotten an even larger tip (despite the accident); instead he got a small tip and a disgruntled customer.

And what about mistakes you make when no one is around? What do you say to yourself?

1) oopsie!

2) what a klutz!

3) how funny!

4) I’m always doing things like that…

5) why can’t I do anything right?

6) what can I learn from this?

How does your inner dialogue affect how you feel about your goof-up, or how you approach a similar situation next time?

Personally, I tend to handle mistakes affecting others better than ones that impact me alone, so as part of my own “disaster recovery training” I’m learning to be kinder to myself when they happen. And it makes me wonder — did that waiter beat himself up when he got home? Maybe so…

I just finished reading a great book by John Elder Robison, Look Me in the Eye, about his life with Asperger’s syndrome. I’m fascinated with autism spectrum disorders because, in the absence of “normal” communication and social interaction skills, people with these afflictions can tell us a lot about how we define normal communication and social interaction.

It intrigued me how John questions the social conventions most of us take for granted. Looking people in the eye when talking to them; expressing sympathy for the hardships of strangers; telling “white lies” instead of the truth to protect others’ feelings — these societal behaviors are often taken for granted, yet when I look more closely at these it’s easy to question whether these conventions are necessary, or merely arbitrary.

The other thing I found interesting is his exploration of the relationship between genius, focus, and social skills. There’s a stereotype that highly focused, highly intelligent people often don’t do very well socially. I’ve been around the science and high-tech field long enough to know that this stereotype holds true sometimes! I’ve met people who are absolutely brilliant at math or engineering, but sometimes forget to put their shoes on before they leave the house.

If you look a little further down the spectrum, you’ll meet people who struggle with focus and concentration; who are bright but not necessarily an expert in any one discipline (I like to call them “snorkelers,” as opposed to the specialist “divers”). Yet many snorkelers are warm, affable, highly social, and love people. Coaches tend to fall in this category, I’ve found.

Is there a correlation here? Certainly there are exceptions — highly sociable people who are experts in a narrow field, as well as misanthropic generalists — but by and large I’ve found that that being a “snorkeler” without a lot of focus opens you up to noticing social cues and subtle signals that the “divers” might miss. It might also be the difference between being focused inward and focused outward.

The good news in all this is that, as a snorkeler myself, I’ve decided to be OK with not being an expert in any given discipline, by reframing that I’m an expert in human behavior. That being a good listener, a rapport-builder, and an avid conversationalist is in itself a specialty.

I love words and language — in essence they are what define us as human. Just try to think about something — anything — without words popping up in your mind. It’s nearly impossible. Our words reflect who we are, and they also shape who we can become when we use them consciously. Often times we become enslaved by the words we use, by training or habit or laziness. Not particularly wanting to be enslaved (even by myself) I’ve been collecting strategies for using language more consciously, and thus be more the master of my thoughts, beliefs, and actions.

Which brings me to antonyms — an antonym is a word that is the opposite in meaning to another word. Fast - slow, hot - cold, happy - sad, that kind of thing. I sometimes use antonyms to help me choose how I want to be in a given situation.

Say I’m feeling nervous or afraid of something. If I’m alert enough to my state, I try to think of the antonym for what I’m feeling. Fearful becomes brave; nervous becomes calm. Then I think about what I would feel/say/do if I were experiencing that antonym, right now. And when I do that, the negative state I’m in tends to melt away and be replaced with something approaching that antonym.

Try it. Let me know how it works for you.

This past weekend we went on our first camping trip since moving to Colorado. We camped just east of Aspen and hiked up to Buckskin Pass (12,000 feet) past the Maroon Bells, some of the most beautiful mountain formations I’ve seen yet. The hike was about 8.5 miles round trip with 3,000 feet in elevation gain. I’m getting more acclimated to the elevation but I was still huffing and puffing by the time we reached the pass.

To occupy my mind and distract it from the pain in my lungs, I thought about how much hiking is like building a business (or building a life, for that matter). Much of the trail is already broken by others who came before, although you can certainly forge your own way at any time. Sometimes the trail is easy, cool, and shady; sometimes it’s rough, rocky, and steep. And sometimes it’s just plain boring.

You can breathe easily some of the way, enjoying the scenery around you. Then there comes a stretch where it’s all you can do to put one foot in front of the other. It’s essential at this point to stop, nourish yourself, catch your breath, and take in the view.

There were times as I was hiking where I thought, “What’s keeping me going here?” It could have been my ego wanting to keep pace with my husband; it could have been the promise of a good snack at the top (and an even better meal at the pub afterwards!). It could have been the knowledge that this strenuous workout was good for my body.

I think it was all those things, plus something else. The same thing that keeps me going when my business gets frustrating or monotonous or uncertain. That undefinable sense of “me-ness” that gets to call the shots in my life. The freedom to choose how I want to act and the realization that those actions define my self-image. You see, when you make a commitment, whether it’s to climb a mountain or launch a business, there’s a strong drive to act consistently with that commitment.

And from that desire for consistency comes the urge to keep going long after the rest of me wants to sit down and take off my boots.

There’s an art to getting the most out of a buffet.

First, you assess the size of your plate. Sometimes you get a big, generous plate; some even have edges that curve upward for extra filling capacity. Other times you get a dinky little plate, barely enough to hold a couple of meatballs and a cocktail shrimp.

Once you know the size of your plate, you cruise the offerings and see
what you’d like to fill your plate with, and what you can skip. If you
just start scooping up from start to finish, even with the smallest
portions you’ll run out of room, and possibly missing out on your
favorite foods.

You also want to know how often you can go back through the line. Is it a
one-time, all-you-can-eat, pile-it-high kind of affair, or a bountiful
feast you can return to again and again?

The Buffet Line of Your Life
I’m probably not telling you anything new (unless you’ve never been to
a buffet). But you may not have realized that you can follow these same
principles with your time and energy to create a joyful, satisfying life.
Instead, so many of us do the opposite. We don’t assess the size of our
“plate” and take on more than we can chew. We load up on whatever comes
our way, with no room left for the things we really love. We gorge
ourselves on a plate that’s overflowing with mediocrity — resulting in
stress, frustration, and tummy aches.

So what to do? Let’s go back to the front of our proverbial buffet line,
and reassess what you have available and what you have to work with.

What Size is Your Plate?
Look carefully at your plate. You can think of its diameter as the total
amount of time you have at your disposal. This amount will vary depending
on your particular business or career, family life, financial state, social
commitments, etc. Whether small or large, the absolute limits of your free
time are critical to know before “filling your plate.”

Another dimension to your plate’s capacity is its depth. Is it shallow
and flat, or deep and curved? This is comparable to the amount of energy
you have. Your energy level is affected by many factors as well, such as
your genetic makeup, your age, your health, your outlook on life, to name a
few.

Note that there’s a relationship between your plate’s diameter and its
depth. You may have a lot of things competing for your time (small plate),
but you are strong and healthy and energetic (deep dish), so you may be
able to put a lot on your plate. Conversely, while you may not have many
commitments taking up your time, you may have physical or other challenges
that decrease how much you can realistically pile on.

Pick Out Your Favorite Items
Now that you understand your capacity, let’s move to what’s available
to you. Cruise through the buffet line of your life. What would you ideally
like to be spending more time on? What’s most important to you? Here’s
an enlightening exercise:

1. Take a piece of paper and make three separate columns.

2. In column A, list all the things you spend time and energy on in your
life. Be thorough. Don’t leave anything out.

3. In column B, rate how important each commitment is to you, on a scale
from one to ten.

4. In column C, rate how much of your time or energy you spend on that
item.

Pay attention to discrepancies between what you want to be doing and
what you are doing. These are clues to how you load yourself up and where
you might need to readjust.

One Time Through?
Once you’ve perused all the items on your life’s buffet, think about
which are routine or mundane, and which are “once-in-a-lifetime”
experiences. Are you missing your child’s milestone events to work late
yet again on an unsatisfying project? Or are you passing up a critical
promotion opportunity because you’d rather get together with your
friends? Ultimately, we only get so many trips through the “buffet
line,” so if you want to feel more content with your life overall,
deliberately choose those morsels that are most satisfying to you, both
during the meal and after it’s over.

Strategies for Success
This all sounds easy enough on paper or even in a buffet line, but what if
you’ve already overloaded your very small plate? The key is awareness,
commitment, and patience.

- Be aware of what you are saying yes to, all the time. Evaluate it
against your list of what you really want on your plate and see how well it
aligns. Say ‘no’ where you can. Even once.

- Be willing to commit to doing one thing each day (or week or month) that
shifts your plate from what you feel you have to be doing to what you want
to be doing. Delegate, automate, ask for help, remember to say no.

- Be patient with yourself. You might have a lifelong habit of rushing
through your buffet line, piling your plate high, and feeling obligated to
consume everything long after you have desire (or room) left.The wonderful
thing about a buffet is that, really, you’re in control. You may not be
able to command the size of your plate, but you can always choose what goes
on it.

So what will go on your plate today?