“Be yourself. No one can ever tell you you’re doing it wrong.”  ~ Anonymous

 It seems strange to talk about being “authentic.” What could be more natural than being yourself? But it’s harder than you think. Who are you to your clients, your boss, your spouse or partner, your children, your friends, your banker? Are you the same way with all of them? Of course not. So how do you know you’re being your true self when  communicating?

Even as you adapt your speaking and writing style to fit the relationship and the environment, there are some basic principles that help you show up authentically each time:

1.    Use your own words. I’m amazed when clients ask if it’s OK to reprint someone else’s article in their newsletter. To which I respond: why promote someone else’s voice? No one can express things the same way you can. You are unique and will attract your ideal clients (or jobs or relationships) when you say things in your own words. While some people are naturally better communicators than others, far too many would-be writers and speakers have been thwarted early on by an overzealous teacher with a red pen.

To break through this, take a blank piece of paper and a pen (or a digital recorder) and just start putting down whatever’s on your mind! See and hear your own thoughts, without editing or judging, and you’ll be surprised that you know more (and sound better) than you think you do!

2.    Let your personality shine. I once worked for an engineering and construction firm—a field not known for creativity and personal expression. Yet there I met some of the most vibrant, colorful, outspoken professionals imaginable. They were the people who got promoted, won the contracts, and shaped the culture. While the company employed thousands of competent and talented people, those who stood out were able to communicate their expertise in a memorable way.

So take a risk and be willing to let your personality, sense of humor, and unique experiences color your communication, and see how it changes your interactions for the better!

3.    Be specific and clear. One of the hardest things about communicating is getting your meaning across clearly and succinctly. Some of this is skill, but a lot is letting go of words you think you should be using because it’s the norm, or your industry’s jargon, or it sounds good even if the meaning is vague. These habits are also a way to hide your personality. People hesitant to communicate authentically often resort to:

Passive language — “The task was completed to satisfaction” instead of “You did a great job!” Use words that directly connect to someone, person to person. Build this habit and you’ll find people responding more positively to you, and completing even more tasks to your satisfaction!

Avoiding the word “I” — Have you ever heard someone say something like “You know, when you’re trying to get to work on time but someone cuts you off and you get really mad and it ruins your whole day?” When what they really mean is, “Someone cut me off in traffic this morning and I’m in a bad mood!” Own your thoughts, own your experiences. After all, they’re the only things that are truly, uniquely yours.

Abstract concepts or generalities — It’s tempting to talk in generalities, especially when your message has emotional content. So a person might say “Sometimes relationships can be challenging when things aren’t communicated clearly,” instead of “I don’t understand what you want. Please tell me what you need.” Speaking or writing directly may not always be easy, but it will let people know where you stand, save you time, and spare everyone confusion.

4.    Be a storyteller. Whether you’re imparting knowledge, motivating action, or simply entertaining, don’t underestimate the power of the story, particularly if it’s your own. Use examples, case studies, anecdotes, cautionary tales. Stories help you build rapport, make your points easier to remember, and create an emotional connection with your audience that inspires them to action.

5.    Show all your sides. Take a risk and be a bit vulnerable with your audience. People may admire heroes, but they genuinely like people who come across as human. This doesn’t mean you have to admit every mistake or air your dirty laundry, but appropriately sharing challenges and lessons learned; using self-deprecating humor, and relating emotions and beliefs help your listeners and readers connect with you.

So the next time you sit down to write, get up and talk, or just stand around chatting with someone, think to yourself: How do I want to come across? Do my words reflect who I really am? I challenge you to take a risk and put more of yourself in your message, and notice how people become more into you!

Why is it that you are instantly comfortable with some people you meet, while others you thoroughly distrust? We each have an innate ethic-o-meter that tells us whether someone’s words, body language, and actions all line up.

Sadly, some “radars” aren’t turned up as high as others, leaving them vulnerable to messages of questionable intent.

Ultimately, we all want to be liked and trusted, and being ethical when you communicate fosters warmth and believability with your audience. This includes:
•    Making sure your actions are in agreement with what you say
•    Always telling the truth as you know it
•    Being consistent in who you are and what you say over time
•    Respecting other people’s viewpoints and opinions.

What You Say is What They Get

The most heinous scandals often involve people who behave in a way that contradicts what they stand for. Religious leaders having adulterous affairs; elected officials misappropriating campaign funds; world-class athletes fixing competitions. In fact, the more visible a person is, the louder the public outcry when their behavior belies their words.

But being true to your word is important at any level of fame or fortune. It is the foundation of trust in all your relationships, and broken trust is so very to earn back. So ask yourself:
•    Is what I’m saying consistent with what I truly believe?
•    If I tell people I will do something, am I confident I will keep my word?
•    When no one’s watching, do I actually do the things I tell people I do?

If your words don’t “ring true” to you, neither will they to your audience. Either rethink your message, or revisit the commitment behind your words.

Honesty Really is the Best Policy

Closely related to alignment is honesty. Not being fully truthful takes away your audience’s ability to make well-informed decisions. Not that you would ever out-and-out lie to your listeners or readers, but there are subtle ways of being dishonest that affect your credibility, such as:
•    Saying something because it sounds good even if you don’t totally buy into your message
•    Omitting or distorting information because you’re afraid people won’t like what you have to say
•    Misleading your audience with statistics, credentials, or emotions to look good or accomplish personal goals.

Well intended or not, being dishonest dilutes your effectiveness because the truth will eventually come out – in your body language, by someone else ‘catching’ you; or through inconsistencies in your message.

Don’t Be a Chameleon

Being able to predict human behavior helps people feel safe. So when people hear inconsistencies in someone’s words, an inner alarm goes off. Think about politicians who switch positions on an issue during a campaign, and how public distrust reflects in the polls. Your message may become inconsistent if you:
•    are not sure what your message really is
•    are trying to please everyone all the time
•    change your basic message to suit different groups
•    don’t really buy into your position in the first place.

It’s best to choose your position and the ideal target audience who benefits most from what you have to say. This doesn’t mean that your message won’t evolve over time. What remains the same, however, are your own core values and the alignment between your actions and your words.

I’m OK, You’re OK

Finally, being ethical means accepting that not everyone thinks like you do. Speaking your truth even when others disagree isn’t easy to do, but it does garner respect and trust from your audience. This also means avoiding bigotry or ethnic slurs; insults and slander; unsolicited judgment or criticism; and sarcasm or teasing that belittles or shames another person. You are a powerful communicator when you stay true to your own course, letting others’ opinions and emotions be about their “stuff,” not yours.

So think about a message you’re working on right now. Check in that your actions align with your words; that you are telling the truth to yourself and others; that it’s consistent with earlier messages; and that your message respects those who receive it. When you build your message on a solid ethical foundation, you give your voice unshakable power and appeal!

Many new entrepreneurs will point to a turbulent event or period in their life – a tornado if you will – that precipitated their decision to go out on their own. That tornado could be a job layoff, an illness, a divorce, children moving out of the house, or simply the undeniable calling to purpose that can be ignored no longer.

Sound familiar?

The swirling turmoil of that tornado kicks up the dust of your black and white world, until the critical decision point lands you – THUMP! – in the middle of a brand new Technicolor world of your own making.

You emerge, blinking and bewildered, into Munchkinland for the Self-Employed, wondering at the newness, the color, the bright details all around you. You mean I don’t have to startle awake to an alarm clock every morning? I can trade in the suits for sweats? I can go out for a grande extra hot half-caff caramel macchiato whenever I want to??

Your journey begins with much pomp and circumstance, as the people around you rejoice in your initiative and worship your bravery, even as you protest that it’s “no big deal.” You look back with a small shudder at the remnants of your old life, crushed under the weight of your bold decision. Then, smiling, you grab your modest basket and furry traveling companion and skip forward toward the Land of Mir-Oz. You’re told that the yellow brick road is the path that will lead you to that Mecca of Success.

But you barely get going when you suddenly meet your nemesis, as surprising and frightening as any fairy tale witch: Your Own Self-Doubt. What was I thinking? Can I really do this? What if I lose my way and don’t make it? That Witch is green and ugly and throws balls of fire! Then, just like that, she is gone again. With a lump in your throat, you renew your resolve, gainfully pick up your basket and little dog and continue down the golden path.

Along the way you pick up “quests” to keep you company on your journey. The first is a search for Brains – the skills, knowledge, and tools to make it to Mir-Oz. You subscribe to guru newsletters; you buy “how to get a gazillion clients” audio programs; you take courses on selling and marketing and networking and what have you to help you find the path, to feel more confident that you’re going the right way.

You also pick up the search for a Heart – the ability to consistently tap into your passion and enthusiasm for your work and for your clients, even when the way is dark and forested. Over and over you go inward, searching for confirmation that you are on the right track, serving the right people, doing the right thing. And you are so often unsure of the answers. But then a friend’s kind word or a client’s inspiring testimonial reminds you why you love what you do, and you hear the faint beating of that heart, warming you and urging you forward.

And then comes the quest for Courage. Far away from your adoring fans in Munchkinland, you start feeling very small and insignificant. You compare yourself (always unfavorably) to the few who have made it “big”; you feel queasy thinking about the legions of business owners who have tried and failed; you feel unworthy to face the Wizard of Mir-Oz who is already all-powerful and all-successful. Who am I to think I can build a lucrative business? Do I really have what it takes to make it all the way to Mir-Oz? Even bleak, dusty “Kansas” starts to look good, especially when the Wicked Witch of Self-Doubt makes a sudden guest appearance. (I’ll get you, my Pretty! And your little dog too!)

And still you move on down that yellow brick road. Things start to get easier, the road opens up, and – Hurray! – you see Mir-Oz on the horizon. At this point, however, you may become lulled into opiate complacency by a string of clients; or rusted in place with residual ambivalence and fear. But the Emerald City still awaits, that land of green and shimmering beauty where you will soon arrive and be granted all the brains, heart, and courage you need to make your business flourish.

The Land of Mir-Oz is now in front of you, heralding a new level of success in your business. You become recognized, clients show up by referral, your appearance is sought after, and you are primped and courted by admirers – in short, you truly feel you have arrived.

Yet imagine your surprise when the door to Success doesn’t open to you automatically! You may be granted audience with the Great and Powerful Mir-Oz of Success, but he commands you to face the Wicked Witch of Self-Doubt head on in an epic battle, flying monkeys and all. You tremble and waver, yet stubbornly commit to melting Self-Doubt once and for all, setting yourself and your business free to succeed, with victory waiting for you back in Mir-Oz.

With all you have gathered along your journey, you face the Witch and learn that, as scary as she seems, she is actually quite vulnerable, easily destroyed by a single act of bravery (and a bucket of water). You return triumphant, broomstick in hand, ready for the great Mir-Oz to hand you your glory. But wait! What?? There is no Mir-Oz of Success? Nope, just a Mir-age. The Great and Powerful Wizard turns out to be just another human being, much like you, except he found his way to Mir-Oz more by adventure and accident than hard work and persistence. And he feels like a humbug because of it.

But, in the end, he grants you the greatest gift of all – the knowledge that you already have the Brains, the Heart, and the Courage to succeed as a business owner. These things were with you and in you all along. They are what accompanied you down the yellow brick road, what comforted you through the dark forest, and what helped you fight the Wicked Witch of Self-Doubt to her death.

So now, instead of waking up from this dream and finding yourself back in Kansas, you realize that your true home is on the Yellow Brick Road. That it leads far beyond the Land of Mir-Oz, taking you to new adventures and higher levels of success. And that you have everything you need to continue your journey where it takes you to build the business of your dreams.

There are two basic parts to all communication: 1) content and 2)
relationship. What this means is every single thing you say or write has
the power to both inform and affect your relationship with the recipient.
Expert speakers and writers are keenly aware of this and use it to their
benefit. To communicate with appeal, you must create a personal connection
with your audience. There are several ways to do this:

- Build common ground
- Give them what they want
- Be a real person
- Continue the relationship

BUILD COMMON GROUND
A basic tenet of psychology is that we like people who are like us. Think
about a conversation you’ve had with someone you just met. What were you
doing beneath the small talk? Discovering things you have in common. Recall
your delight when you found out you both grew up in the same city, or that
your kids go to the same school. Sharing common experiences helps us
predict a person’s values, thoughts, and behavior, making it safe to get
closer to them.

The back-and-forth nature of conversation makes it relatively easy to
build common ground. But if you’re giving a speech or writing an article,
you may need to do some research first to determine what you have in common
with your readers or listeners. Look for elements such as geography,
education, training, skills, abilities, organizations, relationships or
specialized language (jargon). Take care, however, to never misrepresent
yourself or your affiliations merely to “get in good” with your
audience.

And don’t forget about non-verbal communication. Apparel, appearance,
and actions all point to whether or not you’re a member of your
audience’s “club.” Matching your style and energy to your audience
helps emphasize your similarities rather than your differences.

GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT
Face it, it’s all about me. And, it’s all about you. We are each the
center of our own universe; for your message to reach someone you have to
take that into consideration. You may have specific goals for speaking or
writing, but remember that your audience has their own goals for listening
to or reading your words. So make sure your message addresses what they
need. Do they want information, inspiration, or entertainment? The more
closely your goals match theirs, the easier it is to capture their
attention. Even when your agenda is different from theirs or the news is
bad, keep their interests in mind (How will this affect me? What do I do
now?) and they will be more open to yours.

BE A REAL PERSON
Just like Geppetto, who long dreamed that his Pinnochio would someday
become a real boy, your audience wants you to be a real person, not a
wooden doll. You can be the premier expert in your field, but if people
can’t connect with you as a human being, you will eventually lose them.

It’s easy to get caught up in trying to impress people and look good –
but so often the more you try the less you succeed! The antidote? Be
yourself. Share your stories. Express your feelings. I used to work for a
technical services firm, and even in the driest sales presentations,
clients were most impressed by engineers who smiled and were genuinely
excited about the work they did.

CONTINUE THE RELATIONSHIP
Relationships are built over time. Yet so often a person will write one
article and wait for clients to call, give a single presentation and look
for the contract, or send out a resumé and expect a job offer! It takes
time for people to know you, like you, and trust you, so the most effective
communicators make sure they interact with their audiences again and again.
Schedule a follow-up meeting at the end of a sales presentation; raffle off
a free consultation after an association talk; invite people to subscribe
to your newsletter at a networking event; include your Website, email
and/or phone number in your article byline.

So next time you speak, write, or mix and mingle—focus on building common
ground, incorporating your audience’s goals, putting yourself into your message,
and creating a way to continue the relationship. That old saying “Familiarity
breeds contempt” doesn’t apply at all in effective communication. Rather,
familiarity breeds comfort and eagerness to communicate with you again!

Power is a loaded word, conjuring up positive and negative images for
people. Good or bad, power is a critical component of communicating with
A.P.P.E.A.L. It’s what captures and holds people’s attention, and spurs
them into action.

There are three elements that powerful communicators share:

-Knowledge of their subject
-Belief in their message
-Energy in their delivery

Whether you’re writing, speaking, or conversing, your communication is
powerful when these things are present and working together. Let’s look
at each in detail.

You Gotta Start Somewhere

Having knowledge is a clear prerequisite for communicating powerfully. But
keep two things in mind. First, you don’t have to know everything to
claim you know something. My clients trip up on this all the time. “What
if I don’t know enough?” “What if people find out I’m not an
expert?” Not only is it impossible to know everything, there’s really no
objective measure that definitively says “You now have Knowledge. Ta-da!”

So start where you are and build on it. Don’t avoid giving a talk,
writing an article, networking, or joining an interest group because you’re
afraid you don’t know enough. You’ll often find when you share your
knowledge of a topic, people know less about it than you think!

Second, don’t be afraid to not know. I’ve never heard anyone get
boo’ed off a stage because they answered a question with “I don’t
know.” True knowledge is built by following up that “I don’t know”
with “I’ll find out and get back to you.” The most knowledgeable
people know where to find information quickly. Fortunately, the Internet
makes us all more knowledgeable by this definition!

If You Believe It, They’ll Believe You

Powerful communicators not only know what they are talking about, they
also believe in their own words. What made Martin Luther King, Jr. a
powerful communicator was that he really did have a dream, one that
permeated his whole being. If you have the emotional conviction behind what
you say or write, people feel the power.

Unfortunately, belief is hard to drum up if it’s not there to begin
with. Choosing a topic, a livelihood, or a relationship you believe in
makes talking or writing about it much easier! Ask anyone who started a
business to uphold family tradition; chose a career because it made lots of
money; or proposed to someone because it “made sense.” Communicating
without belief often leaves us drained, powerless.

So check in with yourself before you start talking or typing. Do you
believe in your subject? Is it consistent with your values? Do you really
care about what you’re saying? The more aligned your words are with who
you are, the more impact those words will have on others.

Turn Up the Juice

So you know something about your topic and you believe in it. Now it’s
time to breathe life into your words. When writing, select language that is
creative, descriptive, alive. Make use of examples, stories and analogies
whenever possible. Face it, as readers we want to be enthralled. So know
who your audience is and write to hold their attention.

When speaking, do all this and more. Use your voice as a tool to create
excitement, significance, even tension. Vary your pace, change your vocal
tone, use pauses for effect. If all this sounds daunting, try this
exercise. Before giving a talk, practice it as if you were telling a
children’s bedtime story. Really exaggerate, noticing how you emphasize
particular words, change your pitch, and pause in certain places. Now
rehearse it again in your normal voice, remembering your bedtime version.
Consider recording before and after this exercise so you can hear the
difference.

Pump Up the Power

Naturally, all this takes preparation and practice, but if it’s worth
communicating, it’s worth communicating well. Try it for yourself next
time you have to write or speak with power. Review and own what you know
about the topic. Ensure that you believe in your own words. Communicate
what you know with energy and enthusiasm. You’ll soon find people
listening more intently, and treating you with the respect you’ve earned
as a powerful communicator!

~ Nicholas Boileau

I was surprised to find that there are 19 definitions for the word
“articulate.” Some of them don’t have anything to do with words (such as
the articulated segments of a worm). There were two definitions, however,
that help clarify what it means to be articulate:

1. using language easily and fluently; having facility with words: an
articulate speaker.

2. expressed, formulated, or presented with clarity and effectiveness: an
articulate thought.

The first speaks to what you might think about being articulate — that it’s
an innate gift or talent. While it’s true that certain people have a natural
facility with words, the second definition has more universal appeal.
You may not feel you naturally use language “easily and fluently,” but if
you work to present your thoughts with clarity and effectiveness, you’ll
be amazed how articulate you become, without adding a single word
to your vocabulary!

To increase your clarity and effectiveness, consider these three things:

The motive. What’s your purpose for speaking or writing? Do you want to
educate, motivate, entertain, build rapport? There are two components to
communication — content (what’s being said), and relationship (how you
connect). When you’re clear on what information you want to impart, and how
you want that information to impact your relationship with the receiver,
you can find the best words to meet both objectives.

The audience. Understanding who you’re communicating to, whether it’s one
person or a thousand, helps you choose the right topic, words, tone, and
delivery method for your audience to fully receive that message. What’s your
current relationship to them? What benefit do you both get from
the interaction? What perspective or background do they have that
affects their ability to understand you?

The takeaway. Knowing what you want (and don’t want) your receivers to
take away from your message impacts what you say and write. Do you want
people to see something in a different way, feel something new, or take some
action?

This seems like a lot to think about just to pick up the phone and
say hi to Aunt Martha, doesn’t it? Certainly the amount of time you spend
preparing your message should match the importance of the outcome. But I’ve
known people who spend the same amount of time preparing for a staff
meeting as they do when calling Aunt Martha. And they often get similar
results!

Although some people are naturally good with words, don’t underestimate
the value of practice. After all, gifted musicians still spend hours a day
at their craft! While you don’t have to spend hours practicing
articulation, honing the following skills will greatly improve your verbal
and written impact:

Be simple and concise. Use as few words as you can get away with and still
get your message across. The truth is, people can take in only so much
information. While it takes discipline, the more concise you can be, the
more impact you’ll have.

Consciously listen and read. Paying close attention to what other people
say and write can be illuminating. Put on your analytical hat the next time
you listen to a candidate’s speech or read a news article. What’s your
reaction to their words? Do they get to the point or just ramble? Do you
believe their message? Do you feel they care about what you think? Use your
own experience as a listener or reader to inform how you communicate with
others.

Be authentic. You will always be more articulate about what you know and
love than what you don’t. Trying to speak or write about something you
don’t know or care about can lead to stilted, uncomfortable language that
leaves your audience bewildered, unaffected, or worse. So tap into your own
knowledge and enthusiasm and let the words flow (concisely)!

Cross-test your message. It’s a good idea to test the clarify of your
message, particularly in your business, by writing down what you’re going
to say or saying out loud what you’ve written. Often my clients will draft
a networking introduction that “sounds” good on paper, but is an unholy
mouthful to say. So to say something important, write it down first to
clarify your thoughts. Or write an article then read it out loud and listen
for the tone, style, and fluency. If it’s easy to listen to, it’s likely
easy to read.

So now you know that being articulate isn’t merely a mystical gift
bestowed on a lucky few. With awareness and practice, you can improve your
“clarity and effectiveness” in everything you say and write. Try these
ideas over the next week, and notice the difference in how people respond
to you!

Interestingly, my husband pointed out to me that this movie is completely without dialogue. Everything’s communicated through gestures, expressions, scenery, sound effects, and action. And it dawned on me that, for me, recalling a movie like this is much like remembering what happened before age 2-1/2 or 3, when I didn’t have much language to speak of (literally).

I’ve always been pretty verbal, but the fact that language is so tied into my memory was a revelation. You’ve probably heard about how some people are visual, some auditory, and some kinesthetic (tactile) in the way they process information — it’s a fundamental principle of neurolinguistic programming (NLP). Realizing how much the delivery of a message relates to memory and recall gave me a new appreciation for understanding the way my clients think. If I communicate information in a way that’s easy for them to grasp, not only will they “get” my message in the moment, but they are more likely to retain that message over time. And this is critical in building long-term relationships with clients, and providing services that people might not want right now, but may need sometime in the future.

As for me, the next time I watch a movie without dialogue, I think I just might take some notes… 

Why is it that there are some people you can happily listen to all day
long, while others you wish would take up the art of mime? What makes some
people more charismatic than others? I think it boils down to A.P.P.E.A.L.
These individuals communicate in a way that’s:

Articulate
Powerful
Personal
Ethical
Authentic
Leveraged

Think about public speakers and authors who have had an impact on you.
They’re generally very clear about what they have to say, and say it with
strength and authority. Yet they connect with you; their message affects
you in a personal way. They are generally true to their values and
themselves, and their communication reflects that, even over time. Finally,
the words they use inspire you to take action in some way, even if it’s to
attend their next speech or read their latest book or article.

Nature or Nurture?

So is there something inherently special about these people that make them
appealing? Are they born with this charisma, or can it be cultivated? I
think the answer is both. Some people are naturally gifted communicators –
perhaps it’s in their genes. But (for those of you who don’t currently
consider yourselves good speakers or writers) I absolutely know that can be
cultivated through awareness and practice.

Let’s break this down to see how you can raise your level of
communication appeal.

Articulate. Whether you’re speaking to one person or one thousand, being
articulate doesn’t necessarily mean being clever or having a big
vocabulary. It boils down to knowing clearly why you’re communicating, who
you’re communicating to, and what you want your receivers to come away
with. Do a little planning, and you too can become more articulate!

Powerful. Being powerful doesn’t mean loud or overbearing. It means
being passionate about your topic and believing in your own words. Think of
Ghandi — quiet, unassuming… and very powerful. Because he was passionate
and believed in what he had to say. Align those two things and you become
unstoppable.

Personal. In trying to sound knowledgeable or important, it’s easy to
lose track of the real purpose of communicating — to “make common” or
connect. By infusing your words with the underlying purpose of connecting,
you make a greater and lasting impact on everyone you come in contact with.

Ethical. This comes down to practicing what you preach; conversing,
speaking and writing in a way that aligns with your values and actions.
This doesn’t mean that other people have to agree with you, but they will
respect you for that consistency.

Authentic. No one will use the same words you do, in the same way, with
the same effect. Ever. Celebrate that difference. While imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery, it only flatters the other person. Be naturally
yourself and you’ll be amazed at how positively others respond to you.

Leveraged. Some people communicate for the sake of hearing their own
voice, but at the end of the day, communication is really about action and
influence. In general, you communicate because you want someone to think
differently, feel differently, or act differently. By consciously
understanding your motives for engaging with other people, you can choose
to communicate in a way that leverages what you want (in a way that’s
ethical and authentic, of course.)

So being appealing isn’t as mysterious as it seems. The common thread in
all of this is to understand yourself, your message, and your audience well
– the rest will flow naturally from your unique qualities!

Last night we went out with friends for a birthday celebration dinner at a gourmet Mexican restaurant. It was my first visit there and the food was exceptionally good. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for our young waiter. We ordered drinks before dinner; when he returned he promptly dumped an entire strawberry margarita in my lap. (I’ll pause here for a moment while you giggle at the image…)

Fortunately (for him) I wasn’t really upset, despite being wet and sticky. In fact, we all went out of our way to help him not feel so badly about his mistake, until it dawned on us that he really didn’t feel very badly at all! He apologized in the same way you might say “Sorry, we’re out of Chilean seabass tonight.” We had to beg him for extra napkins to mop me up, ask him to comp the drink, and I then fermented in margarita in the same booth for the rest of our dinner.

All in all, it would have made for a funny story except that his disaster recovery was so atrocious. Luckily, I like to turn these things into life lessons. While it’s natural to focus on mistakes, the real issue is really how you recover from those mistakes. Handling missteps with integrity and grace is key to both better relationships and greater confidence in yourself.

For example, when you make a mistake with another person around, how do you handle it? Do you:

1) deny

2) laugh

3) blame

4) apologize

5) flee

6) ignore

I’m sure your response depends on the circumstances (and the mistake) but looking at how you handle mistakes says a lot about how you handle your life in general. How does your reaction affect the person impacted by your error? Do you make it better, or worse? And how does that impact you? For example, had the young waiter bent over backwards to fix the situation, he would have likely gotten an even larger tip (despite the accident); instead he got a small tip and a disgruntled customer.

And what about mistakes you make when no one is around? What do you say to yourself?

1) oopsie!

2) what a klutz!

3) how funny!

4) I’m always doing things like that…

5) why can’t I do anything right?

6) what can I learn from this?

How does your inner dialogue affect how you feel about your goof-up, or how you approach a similar situation next time?

Personally, I tend to handle mistakes affecting others better than ones that impact me alone, so as part of my own “disaster recovery training” I’m learning to be kinder to myself when they happen. And it makes me wonder — did that waiter beat himself up when he got home? Maybe so…