So, this morning I was putting groceries away in my car when a plastic bottle bounced out of a bag, rolled down the parking lot, and came to rest under the rear wheel of an armored truck-manned by a dour-looking (and armed) driver waiting for his partner to return from the bank next door. As I pondered the predicament of retrieving my coffee creamer without jeopardizing life and limb, I thought, “Aah, this will be a fun story to tell.”We’re wired to love stories from the get-go, from bedtime stories to campfire ghost lores, Friday night movies to tales of the “good ol’ days.” Yet so often we think of stories as merely recreational, neglecting the power they have to shape our professional lives.

Often stories come into focus only when it’s time to change jobs, as we dust off our résumés and dread the process of “selling ourselves.” What did we do? How did we do it? What were the results? Couching our professional history in terms of success stories and accomplishments is a very effective way to communicate the value we bring to a potential employer-in résumés, cover letters, and interviews.

The trouble is, most of us wait until we’re unhappy with our work situation before we ever think to capture these stories. It’s a lot harder to catalog our accomplishments when we’re feeling despondent, downtrodden, and disillusioned.

What if, instead, you made an habit of creating success stories as you go? When you’ve completed a project at work, write it down in a paragraph or two. When you’re asked to do something out of the ordinary, write it down. When you come up with a great idea, write it down. The benefits to doing this go beyond having fodder for your next job search:

• Documenting your performance for an annual review
• Positioning yourself within your organization for a raise or promotion
• Justifying your contributions in the face of potential layoffs or downsizing
• Reinforcing your own value when you’re having a bad day.

Not to mention, it’s a lot less for you to remember when you do want to move on to something more rewarding.

The challenge is recognizing those accomplishments that seem like breathing to you, but demonstrate skills and talents that may be invaluable to someone else. Think about a specific task or project you’ve done recently (no matter how small or large), and how you brought your unique style to the job. Here are some questions to ask yourself as you craft your story:

• How did my task or project contribute to the organization?
• What obstacles or challenges did I face?
• How did I overcome these challenges to reach my objectives?
• What resources did I call upon to get the job done?
• How did this work align with the culture or values of my boss/team/company?
• What did I learn that I can use next time?

The best part is that, instead of “bragging” about yourself, you’re engaging in a process that others truly enjoy. Whether it’s a prospective employer, a current boss, or new teammate, sharing your stories gives them a taste of who you are, what’s important to you, and what it’s like to work with you. That’s why I like to include those last two questions about values and learning. It helps build rapport and demonstrates your capacity for growth.

But don’t just stop in the workplace. Capture your successes at home, in your relationships, as a parent, with your hobbies or passions. What you’re good at and what makes you uniquely you shows up in all areas of your life, and deserves to be documented.

So find a journal, save a Word file (or Excel spreadsheet if that’s your thing), carry a mini-recorder. Whatever makes it easiest for you to start logging the successes in your life. Not only will you find that these stories directly contribute to your professional growth, they help you more fully experience your life and remember what’s truly important to you. Plus they’ll make it a whole lot easier to write that résumé and conduct that interview if the time comes.

Well, I successfully mimed my request through bullet-proof glass to the dour driver, who rolled the armored truck forward three feet, allowing me to retrieve my coffee creamer and live to see another day. This story, while demonstrating both creativity and the ability to stay cool under pressure, may not make it into a cover letter or résumé… but then again, you never know. It made it into this newsletter.

What’s your story?

For each of us, there inevitably come events that break free from the ordinary context of our life. Recently, I experienced such an event, as I helped my father through to the end of his life.

This event was extraordinary in a number of ways. It obliged me to face mortality head on; it also showed me the depth of compassion in his caregivers. I found I can handle much more than I thought possible; and, perhaps most importantly, it showed me that how I frame my experiences makes all the difference in the world.

My husband and I were there the last few hours before my father died. We played his favorite music, and held his hand. We said our goodbyes; told him his affairs were in good hands. In short, we gave him permission to let go, knowing that all he had come to know and love about this world would continue in our stewardship. I felt we had done right by him, and there was great comfort in this.

As I moved away from this extraordinary event and back into my “ordinary life,” I brought with me the understanding that everything in our life has the potential to be extraordinary-it’s all in how we frame it.

If you’ve ever framed a print or painting, you’ve seen the amazing transformation that happens as it’s set against different colors, textures, and patterns of matte and frame. The interplay of these elements has potential to illuminate, overpower, or clash with the artwork.

Such is the case with how we experience major events in our life. Our attitudes and actions, much like the matte and frame, give context to these events-enhancing or diminishing them. Changing a job, starting a relationship, buying a home, sending a child off to college, facing the illness or death of a loved one. Each of these events is an experience unique to each of us, a one-of-a-kind work of art. It’s up to us to choose how we frame this masterpiece.

Do we slap it up against the backdrop of our life, carelessly tacked up with tape like a teenager’s poster? Do we stuff it in a closet because it’s “not our style?” Or do we handle it with care, treating it with honor and deliberation? By framing our major life events with conscious awareness, we:

• guard against being swept away by emotions that increase our stress;
• experience a greater sense of control over the situation;
• stay open to opportunities and blessings, even the most difficult situations;
• free up our minds and hearts for better decision-making; and
• create memories we can look back at with satisfaction, even joy.

Just as each of us has unique taste in artwork, so we will each frame our experiences in a different way. Here are some ideas for creating more meaning, regardless of the nature of the event or decision:

Recognize the masterpiece. This sounds simple, but just acknowledging the significance of the situation helps you make the most of your resources as you move through it.

Look ahead, then look back. Imagine that it is six months, one year, or five years from now. How do you want to see this, when all is said and done? How do you want the world to see how you handled the situation?

Call for backup. This is the time to make use of those people in your network. Not only can these people help you through a difficult time, they can be a part of what makes this experience meaningful-the reinforcement of love and friendship.

Search for the gems. Even through the pain of losing my father, there were small, beautiful moments I cherished over the past few months. Watching him enjoy Christmas lights, drinking hot chocolate, feeding treats to his dogs. Major life events bring these gems into sharp relief-when we zoom in and frame them as special.

Capture the meaning. Create a symbol, icon, or ritual that represents the importance and meaning of the event or decision. I received the gift of a little hula doll that now represents how much my parents loved going to Hawaii each year. It captures both the joy they had in their lives, and the sadness I feel in their absence.

Go easy on yourself. No matter what the process-know you won’t do it perfectly. Forgive yourself for that botched interview question; the petty argument with your kid as they move away to college; the one thing you should have said or done differently before losing someone close to you. What’s most important is that you were there, doing the best you could in that moment.

Capture the lessons. Another important part of the framing is asking yourself: what have I learned? What will I do differently next time? How has this made me a better person? Asking these questions helps you assimilate the growth and prepares you for life’s next major work of art!

No matter who you are, where you are, or what you’ve been through, it is these experiences, these pieces of art, that collectively make up our life. Choose today to frame those experiences with care and deliberation-so that in your old age you look back upon a gallery of masterpieces.

I’m going to start this article with a brief visit back to high school physics. Wait! Before you run screaming in terror, bear with me.Newton’s First Law of Motion states that an object in motion will stay in motion and an object at rest will stay at rest unless acted on by an unbalanced force. This is often known as the Law of Inertia.

This law may not be particularly interesting in and of itself (unless you’re an avid pool player). What is interesting is that human behavior tends to work in exactly the same way.

For example, have you ever found yourself thinking a lot about something you’d like to do but find it nearly impossible to get into gear? Yet other times you’ll be working in a nice groove on an interesting project, and nothing but the most basic biological urges can make you stop what you’re doing?

In both cases, inertia’s at work. Simply put, it’s easy to stay moving, but hard to get started. This applies to things as small as cleaning out your closet, or as complex as looking for a new career.

For some people, overcoming inertia is no problem. For the rest of us-how do we get past our internal resistance to start endeavors we know will make us happier in the long run?

I’d like to say the answer is as straightforward as Newton’s law…but it’s not. The things that keep us from taking action are varied and complex, and can include:

• Fatigue, illness, or other suboptimal physical state
• Uncomfortable emotions
• Other things competing for our time and attention
• Doubt in our ability to succeed
• Anticipated level of difficulty, frustration, or tedium involved
• Bad prior experience doing the same or similar task
• Lack of resources available to help get the job done

However, it is possible to overcome your inertia and get moving. The key is to discover or create that “unbalanced force” that works best for you. And often it doesn’t take much. Here are some strategies you can try:

1. Give yourself an official start date. Write it on your calendar. Tell your friends. Make it known to yourself and everyone that you are committed to do this.

2. Don’t try to embark on a new project when you are sick, tired, or stressed. Don’t give up but rather focus on bringing back your health and balance, and commit to start when your “tank is full.”

3. Similarly, trying to make yourself do something when you are sad, angry, depressed, or scared may only bring you down further. Don’t beat yourself up. Just give yourself permission to start when you’re feeling more positive.

4. Get crystal clear on the benefits of your desired outcome, so that you visualize the rewards in much greater detail than the challenges surrounding the task. Pretend you’ve already reached your goal, then write a short story about it, including how it felt to be successful.

5. Think about what you already have at your disposal to get the job done. What knowledge or information do you have? Whom do you know who can help? What have you already done towards your goal?

6. Write down the steps to your goal. Sometimes our inertia comes from being unclear on exactly what it will take to get the job done. Breaking it down into smaller pieces can lift the weight that keeps you from starting.

7. Identify which steps in the process you know you’ll enjoy. Also figure out which ones you are dreading. Then ask for help, hire out, or otherwise delegate those tasks that may keep you from getting to the more desirable parts of the job.

8. If you are resisting because of some previous experience, ask yourself what you would do differently this time around. Focus on what’s unique about this situation and what you’ve learned that will now support your success.

9. Get a project partner. Someone who is willing to check in with you and vice versa as you both work on your goals.

10. See how your commitment to this goal will benefit others around you. Sometimes we’re more than willing to do things for others that we’re not willing to do for ourselves alone.

You may find that even one of these strategies is enough to break through your inertia, creating momentum that propels you towards your goal. Or you may have to try several in order to tap into that force that finally gets you off that chair and into your life.

So…what would you like to get started on today?

These past seven weeks I have faced the daunting task of moving my father into assisted living. Interestingly, the part I find most difficult is managing all his STUFF. Deciding what to move, what to donate, what to sell, what to gift, what to store. Decades of accumulated treasures, formerly useful items, and things that can only fall under the category of “what the heck were they thinking?” have crowded my space, both physical and mental.

And it’s got me thinking about traveling light.

When we face a major change in our life, the ability to successfully manage that change can depend as much on what we are willing to let go of, as what we are willing to move towards. This holds true for a new career, a fresh relationship, a relocation, a change in physical ability, or any transition requiring us to show up differently in our lives.

So how do we know what to let go of, when to let go, and how?

Possessions. This is fairly obvious. Jettisoning things that represent who we once were opens up space for new things that reflect who we are now, or are to become. Some indications that it’s time to lighten up are if we feel drained just walking into our house; if most of our stuff is from a different “era” in our lives; if we have more unfinished projects than finished ones; or if we have too many boxes with content we haven’t seen in years. There are myriad resources, on- and off-line, to help us clear our clutter. Common questions to ask yourself about an object are: “Is it beautiful? Is it useful? Do I love it?” To those I would add, “Does it reflect who I am or who I want to be?”

Relationships. In the course of our lives, we tend to collect many people. Some are lifelong sources of joy. Others energize us at first but over time may weigh us down, keep us from growing. It’s never comfortable to let go of relationships, even those that no longer benefit us. However, we pay a high price for hanging on to needy, negative, or judgmental people — costing us energy better spent on friendships we really value, or time we could invest in new, positive relationships. In taking stock of the people in your life, notice who makes you feel good about yourself, whom you are excited to be around, and whom you feel you should call (or find yourself making excuses for not calling). Sometimes it’s easiest to let those relationships quietly fade away. Other times you may have to swallow hard and tell a person that you’ve appreciated their presence in your life but now need to move away from the relationship.

Thoughts and beliefs. We may chuckle at some of the whimsical thoughts and beliefs we held true as children or adolescents, yet stubbornly hang on to others as if they were core to our very being. Sadly, these often originated with other people — imposing on us thoughts that berate, beliefs that hold us hostage by limiting who we are. What if we were to let go of self-doubt, blame, and fear, just as we said goodbye to Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny? The first step is to recognize that those thoughts may have protected or motivated you, but no more. Then ask yourself what you could do or have if you let go of these thoughts. Next, notice each time they come up, and see them for what they are. Old ideas, out of fashion for who you are now, like the taffeta prom dress or the overly snug high school football jersey. Finally, thank them for serving you in the past, and consciously replace them with thoughts and beliefs that nourish and empower you now.

So, think of me as I schlep another box to Goodwill and post another bone lace china figurine on eBay. And ask yourself: what’s one thing, person, or belief I’m willing to let go, and what wonderful thing, person, or belief would I like to bring into my life?

Wood. It’s a material so familiar we rarely give it any thought unless we actually do woodwork for a living or hobby. But wood is a fascinating substance. Natural, sturdy, resilient, absorbent, beautiful. Not unlike ourselves.

If you look closely at any piece of wood, you’ll see its personality in a unique grain pattern, like a fingerprint. Wood grain, like human personality, is an amalgam of that tree species’ growth pattern (like our own genes) and how it interacts with its environment over time (like our own life experiences).

The grain gives the wood beauty, strength, and character. We often choose a particular piece of wood furniture or sculpture solely on its pleasing grain pattern.

The funny thing is, while we select and treat wood to feature or highlight its grain, we so often deliberately cover up our own “grain.” It’s like taking a beautiful piece of wood and painting it.

How do we do this? By denying our true nature, our core values. By not being honest in our relationships. By letting important decisions be overly influenced by friends, fads, and fashions. All these behaviors are like sanding against our own grain.

For example, I’ve heard clients say, “I have a great job–respected company, power title, big salary, good benefits–yet I’m truly miserable. Why can’t I just appreciate what I have?” They assume that they need to change themselves, to conform to the job in order to be happy, instead of considering that the job might be going against their grain. It’s true that there will always be days when we’re happier with our job than other days, but if you consistently dread going to work, it’s time to check in with yourself.

We can cover up our true nature for a while but, as Dickens pointed out, the more we varnish ourselves up the more our grain will ultimately shine through. Unfortunately, the ensuing battle between covering up and expressing ourselves can leave us stressed, confused, burned out.

What’s the upside? By learning to go with your own grain, you regain time and energy spent trying to be something or someone you’re not. You are more productive, make better decisions, have more satisfying relationships, and carve a life that is uniquely yours and not dictated by others’ whims and wishes.

So what does it take to “go with your grain?” On the surface it seems like the most natural thing in the world. Unfortunately, we live in a society that seems to reward authentic expression in reality shows but often punishes it in reality. So, learning to express our true nature in real life takes both courage and patience. Here are some steps to get you started:

Know what really matters. Get clear about what’s important to you. Ask yourself what really matters in your life–what values, preferences, and desires you don’t want to live without. Is it Family? Money? Creativity? Spirituality? Independence? A Vacation Home in the Tropics?

Trust yourself. Don’t laugh, but once you come up with your list of core values, it’s very common to go back over it and decide why each one is wrong. A key step to showing up authentically is acknowledging and believing that what you want (assuming it doesn’t involve harming others) is perfectly OK.

Identify discrepancies. Now that you’re clearer about what’s most important, look around your life and see how it measures up. Is your job in alignment with who you are? Do the people you care about most know who you really are? Are you making a contribution where you’d like to? Are you having fun?

Pick a place to start. Identify one area where you can start showing up more authentically. It might be that you want to bring more of what you value into your job, or start looking for a job that aligns more fully with your values. It might be learning to express more of what you really want with your spouse or partner. It could be learning to say ‘no’ to people who don’t have your best interests in mind. Whatever you choose, go slowly. Trying to change too much at once is like putting a power sander to the grain. It will take off the varnish but may also leave a big dent!

Ask for help. As I mentioned, learning to go with your grain can take patience and courage. The road is much easier if you work with people who understand and appreciate your commitment to being the best you you can be. Ask close friends or family members to join you on an authenticity journey; join or create an authenticity support group; hire a coach; get spiritual guidance; network with like-minded people who can help you express yourself fully.

So…how do you want to show up in your life? All painted and varnished? Or displaying the natural beauty of your unique grain in everything you do?

What’s your first step to making that happen?

Is there something you’ve really wanted for a long time? A new career? A happier relationship? A bigger house? To make a difference in the world? These are examples of things you might have imagined are possible but aren’t within your grasp at the moment. So how do you get them? GRASP them!

You can look at any dream or vision as requiring five key factors to help make them come true: a Goal, Resources, Attitude, Support, and a Plan. Without any one of these things being in place, the likelihood of realizing your dream goes down.

Let’s look at each of these elements in detail.

Goal. This seems pretty obvious, but is your goal really a goal, or just a vague daydream? In other words, how well-defined is your vision? What kind of job do you want? What does “happier” mean to you, in practical terms? How big of a house and where? What specific difference would you like to make, and for whom? Keep asking these kinds of questions until you are crystal clear on the who’s, what’s, where’s, and when’s of your vision.

Resources. This is where you take inventory for your dream. What do you have at your disposal right now to make it come true? What skills, knowledge, talents, and abilities do you already possess that will help you succeed? What time, money, equipment, and materials do you have to make this easier? On the flipside, what do you need? What’s missing? Making a list of both your available and absent resources helps you use what you have and go after what’s missing.

Attitude. Our attitudes about what we can and can’t do are even more important than the resources we have to accomplish our goals. You can think about all the things that can go wrong; all the times you failed; all the things that stand in your way; all the reasons why now isn’t a good time. OR… You can choose to assume that no matter what, you will achieve your goal. One might argue that this attitude is “unrealistic.” But in fact a positive attitude greatly increases the odds that you will reach your goal. Focusing on possibilities instead than problems opens up creativity, opportunities, and willingness from other people to help you succeed.

Support. Speaking of people, the more support and encouragement you have, the more likely you are to reach your dream. Who can help you obtain the resources that you’re missing? Who will bolster you up when you get discouraged? Who do you want there with you to celebrate your success? We thrive more with support, dare more with encouragement, and do more with love. How can you enlist the support of others to help you achieve your goal?

Plan. And of course, you must create a plan. Something with a schedule, doable action items, clear milestones, and finite ways to measure your progress. This doesn’t have to be elaborate-it can be as simple as outlining the steps to your goal and marking the dates when you want to accomplish each task. Putting something down “on paper” makes it more concrete; having a plan puts your dream into three dimensions (four if you count the time it takes to complete it!).

So think for a moment about something you’ve been wanting for a long time. Walk through the GRASP model and ask yourself which factors come up short or missing. Make the commitment to yourself to define the goal, determine your resources, shift your attitude, solicit support, create a plan–then grasp your dreams!

I recently got to thinking about light and how many different ways we use it to our advantage. Diving headlamps, recessed canister lighting, surgical lasers, lighthouse beacons, Halloween black lights. Seems like there’s a special light for every possible use and occasion.

As intelligent beings, we “shine light” on the changes and challenges in our lives through our capacity to think logically, creatively, reflectively. But it’s easy to get into a fixed way of thinking, kind of like that all-purpose, 60-watt incandescent bulb. How we analyze situations, solve problems, and make decisions often follows a predictable pattern. This can work for us most of the time, just as that ol’ white light bulb meets most of our everyday household needs.

But wouldn’t it be more powerful, more illuminating, if we could select the perfect way of thinking to ideally suit each problem or decision point we encounter? After all, a doctor wouldn’t use a floodlight to remove a tumor, nor would a spelunker use a laser to find their way through a cave. Using light as a metaphor, let’s talk about a range of thinking styles and how to select the best approach for a given situation, using career transition as an example.

Candlelight. A way of thinking that is quiet, calm, introspective, meditative. Thinking like candlelight uses peace, intuition, and spirituality to access inner wisdom and insight for important decisions. You might use this kind of thinking to ask yourself important questions about your ideal career, your contribution to society, or your life’s purpose.

Flashlight. A flashlight is for searching, exploring, and illuminating. You can use flashlight thinking when you want to explore a problem or get more information. It’s a frame of mind that is inquisitive, open-minded, non-judgmental, and optimistic. Flashlight thinking is great for researching new career opportunities, investigating organizations of interest, or figuring out how to expand your skill set.

Floodlight. This bold light is used to illuminate a wide area and dispel the darkness. Use floodlight thinking to open up your horizons and drive out fear. It’s about being courageous and taking action, even when you feel scared. Floodlight thinking can be about believing in your own ability to find meaningful work or ask for that promotion. It’s about choosing to see opportunity where none existed before.

Ultraviolet/Infrared. This is light we can’t see, yet can feel its effects. It represents the Aha! moments in our lives, when something shifts and we suddenly see our situation differently. Sometimes these epiphanies take us by surprise; sometimes they’re a long time coming. It’s the moment of truth that says, “I don’t want to do this job anymore,” or “Hey, I could turn my hobby into a career!”

Prism. A prism isn’t a source of light, but rather a filter for seeing light differently. I liken it to our imagination, allowing playfulness and creativity to transform ordinary thoughts into a rainbow of possibilities. It’s inspired problem-solving, mind-mapping, brainstorming, playing with new ideas, letting yourself outside of your own box and seeing what happens. It’s imagining what you’d do for work if money were no object, or if you could call a “do-over” on your career.

Laser. A laser is powerful, concentrated light source that’s made for action. Laser thinking is precise, focused, and results-oriented. Use laser thinking to create S.M.A.R.T. goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Time-driven). It’s knowing where you want to go and developing a plan for how to get there. An example is deciding to update your résumé by a certain date, or apply for a specific job that sounds perfect for you.

So next time you have a problem you’re struggling with, ask yourself, “What kind of light am I shining on this situation?” Chances are you might benefit from changing the brightness, intensity or hue of your thoughts to come up with better solutions. And if your own light fails to illuminate, ask a friend to lend you theirs.

How do you handle life’s roadblocks? Do you say, “Oh boy! What a great challenge! I can’t wait to work my way through this particular problem…”? I’m guessing probably not. More likely your reaction is something along the lines of, “Oh *%&#!”

If so, don’t feel bad; you’re in good company.

I’ve known a few amazing people in my life who meet challenges in a naturally positive way. But I think most of us approach our troubles with a fight or flight mentality. Nevertheless, I truly believe that the ability to face and overcome obstacles is one of humankind’s greatest characteristics, and one that can be cultivated.

What it takes is the willingness to shift our relationship with our obstacles. To do this, I recommend a “Triple-A” approach:

1. Awareness
2. Attitude
3. Action

Awareness

This may sound obvious, but to change a behavior you first have to be aware of it. So much of our behavior is ingrained and unconscious, and we often defeat ourselves before we ever get started and not even realize it.

Once you’ve identified a problem in your life, it’s easy to get swept up in the strong emotions it triggers. This often just intensifies the problem and makes it harder to come up with solutions. To distance yourself from these emotions, try writing your problem out on paper in three steps. First list the facts; then list what the situation means to you; then list your feelings about it. For example:

1. One of your co-workers just got promoted. (FACT)
2. You wanted that job and believe you should have gotten it. It must be that your manager thinks you’re not good enough. (MEANING)
3. You’re angry, hurt, bewildered, resentful, envious. (FEELINGS)

In this case, it’s possible you don’t know all the reasons why the co-worker got the promotion, nor why you might have been passed over. Often we leap to conclusions without having enough information. Using these three steps helps us distinguish what’s really happening from what we might be making up. Ask yourself if your meaning is the truth, or if there’s something you’re missing, distorting, or just wishing were true.

If you are still overwhelmed, try writing down the problem:

• as if it happened five years ago. You may find that by framing your problem as a story, the ending (solution) naturally follows. “I didn’t get this promotion I wanted, so what I ended up doing was…”
• as though it were happening to someone else. “I know this person who was passed over for a promotion …” Also describe how they’re reacting to the situation. “They were really bent out of shape…”
• from the perspective of a wise guru, offering compassion and advice to someone else in this situation. “I know this feels awful now, but this is what you might do to turn this around…”

Attitude

Once you’ve put some emotional distance between you and your problem, you can gain more control over your attitude towards the situation, and begin to explore alternate interpretations or meanings. Here are some helpful questions to ask yourself:

What does this problem mean to me?

What’s the payoff for staying overwhelmed about this problem?

What frame of mind would help me get through this more easily?

What lessons might I learn from this situation?

What’s good about this?

As you come up with answers, you may find yourself looking at your problem in a completely different way, and naturally gravitating towards finding a solution.

Action

When you’ve shifted from problem mode to solution mode, you can now decide how to take action. Ask yourself:

What strengths do I bring to this situation?

What information do I need to resolve this problem?

When have I faced something like this before? What did I do in the past?

Where in this do I have control or influence?

What do I need to let go of?

Who can help me?

What’s my first step?

And know that you don’t have to (nor is it advisable to) do this all by yourself. In general the most resilient people are those who have a strong network of people to rely on when things get difficult. And when you enlist others to help you with problems, you are in effect saying, “You matter enough to me that I’m willing to be vulnerable with you.” This is a precious gift that strengthens relationships. So find people you trust-friends, family, colleagues, community members, or professionals-and ask them if they’d be willing to walk through these steps with you and be a compassionate sounding board as you face your problem.

So obstacles aren’t really obstacles; they’re what we make them to be. They can be brick walls that stop us in our tracks, or they can be isometric exercises that make us stronger, increase our stamina, and help us grow into our very best selves.

Think of a problem you’re currently facing. Apply the “Triple-A” approach, and see how your relationship with that problem changes. Embrace the illusion!

We’re born curious. We use every sense we have to explore this strange new world, taking in sights and sounds and smells and tastes and textures as fast as we possibly can.

In some, this insatiable curiosity wanes as they figure things out, perfecting behaviors that keep them safe and happy. For others the desire to explore, discover, invent, and solve remains with them for life.

My mother said my favorite question as a child was “How come?” But gradually I stopped asking a zillion questions. How come? It could have been out of fear, distraction, laziness, or believing that curiosity really does kill the cat. I later realized that in relinquishing my curiosity, I also lost an important way to connect with the world around me. So I’ve been diligently working to reclaim that inquisitiveness.

If you don’t think being curious can help you at this stage of life, consider these benefits:

• Curiosity helps solve problems. What worked for us 10 years ago or even 15 minutes ago may not work now. Since we face new problems almost daily, curiosity leads to new and better solutions-helping us adapt to change, reduce stress, and live more richly.
• Curiosity strengthens relationships. The most successful manager/networker/party guest/friend is one who asks questions, listens, learns, and remembers things about those they interact with.
• Curiosity leads to a more successful career. In a world where information grows by the second, the employee who “knows it all” and doesn’t keep their skills and knowledge current quickly falls behind. This leads to boredom, frustration, dead end positions, stagnant wages, and unemployment.
• Curiosity clarifies values. Learning about people, events, and issues helps us stay connected, fuels our own missions, and sheds light on our own beliefs, priorities, and motives.
• Curiosity releases expectation. We get disappointed when things don’t go our way. Curiosity helps us let go of the outcome–we can wonder how things will turn out instead of being crestfallen when reality doesn’t match our expectations.

You might say to this, “But I’m very curious. I spend lots of time Googling, reading blogs, getting daily news feeds.” It’s true; with the Internet it’s fun and easy to satisfy your curiosity, at least in some ways.

But there are other forms of curiosity that are harder to satisfy, but can lead to enormous payoff. There is curiosity about ourselves–our purpose, mission, or place in the world. There’s asking how much our current job reflects our personality, talents, and values. There’s wondering how we can improve our relationships, our parenting skills, our contribution to society. And there’s contemplating how to get more joy and fulfillment out of every day we’re alive.

What would your life be like if you could Google for these answers?

If jumping-starting this kind of curiosity seems daunting, begin with little things. The spark of curiosity can begin simply by paying closer attention. Here are some ideas:

1. Look it up. The next time you come across a word or concept you don’t understand, don’t just skip over it; stop and find out what it means. Look it up or ask someone.
2. Ask just one more question. In your next conversation with someone, ask them one more question about something they said, rather than responding with your thoughts or opinions.
3. Do an informational interview. Find someone from an organization, in a position, or with a hobby you’re curious about. Offer to buy them a cup of coffee in exchange for information. Most people will be flattered and enjoy the opportunity to talk about themselves.
4. Browse a new aisle. Next time you’re in the bookstore, library, video store, music store, shopping mall, whatever, deliberately peruse an area you wouldn’t normally visit. Notice what catches your eye. Look more closely. Try to reserve judgment and see what you learn.
5. Take a community education class. Find an inexpensive course in something you’ve never even thought of trying. Pottery, beer brewing, real estate investing, acting, sign language, square dancing, kayaking, drawing, fencing, travel writing. The possibilities are endless.
6. Go on a treasure hunt. Explore your neighborhood, community, or city. Set out on foot, by bike, by car, or public transportation, with the express purpose of finding things you didn’t know about. It could be a great hole-in-the-wall deli, an art gallery, a sports shop, a street with great architecture, a beautiful public park. (This is a fun activity to share with someone.)
7. Bookend your day. Wake up every morning and ask yourself “What new and interesting thing will I find out about today?” Before you go to sleep, ask yourself, “What new and interesting thing did I find out about today?”

The great thing about cultivating curiosity is that it’s self-perpetuating. There’s a certain thrill to learning, especially when we discover things on our own. For example, I enjoy great restaurants that I’ve stumbled onto even more than those recommended by others.

Once you’re in the habit of being curious, you might find you naturally delve into more personal and complex issues. You can then ask questions like, “If my life were 10 percent better than it is now, what would it look like? If it were 50 percent better? 100 percent better?”

So, what are you curious about?

I’m skeptical when someone claims to be fearless–after all, it’s an integral part of being human. If we understand that fear’s true (albeit sometimes misguided) purpose is to keep us safe, we can actually use it to our advantage.

Unfortunately, it seems that instead of being taught to manage fear, we’re almost encouraged to operate from it–by our parents (with punishment), our teachers (with bad grades), our employers (with termination), government (with loss of freedom), the media (with crime and natural disasters), and the list goes on.

Fear can hijack your life by:

• dampening your motivation to grow or improve your situation
• jeopardizing personal and professional relationships
• making you hesitant to accept help
• forcing you to make excuses for your words and actions
• locking you into negative thought patterns and self-destructive behaviors
• imprisoning you in a dead-end job, a bad marriage, even your own home.

However, I believe we can learn to choose how we experience fear, and in doing so open ourselves up to a whole new set of options. When you get right down to it, our emotions are just energy. We can either let that energy overwhelm us, or we can harness and drive it in a more positive direction.

Here are a few ways you can reframe your fear.

Recognize fear for what it is. Perceived fear is a physical sensation. And unless you’re in the direct path of a large speeding object or a person with malicious intent, you have the luxury of just feeling that fear for a few minutes. Sit quietly, close your eyes, and concentrate on where you feel fear in your body. Now, imagine breathing through those affected areas. Notice how the sensations change. You’ll soon realize that fear is physical and transient, something that you can control and release.

Get rational. Turn on your “left” brain and see your fear as a puzzle to be solved. Ask questions like: Who taught me to be fearful about this? Which parts of this fear are rational, and which are ridiculous? When did I start being afraid? Where does this show up for me? What would happen if I chose to feel differently about this? Disarm your fear with some compassionate interrogation.

Do some biased research. You can always find plenty of evidence to support your fears. Instead, avoid the path of least resistance and look for facts and statistics that refute your fears. When you look for evidence to the contrary, not only will you find it, but you may also find you’ve changed your whole outlook in the process.

Model yourself after the best. Talk to or read about someone who’s faced a similar situation. Recognize that in each of us is the ability to overcome great obstacles. Sometimes all it takes is feeling inspired by others to see it in ourselves.

Air them out. Fears rattle around in our head like nuts and bolts in a clothes dryer. Drawing fears out into the air or in writing strips them of their power, somehow. Find a trusted friend to talk with, or simply write them down. Watch them magically shrink before your very eyes!

Have a “higher self” dialogue. Once you’ve exposed your fears, talk back to them. Pretend you are a very old, very wise person, and respond to each specific fear in a calm, assured, comforting way–verbally or in writing. You’ll be amazed at your own wisdom, and soon realize you’re also free to act on that wisdom.

Trust your own sources. It’s likely that you inherited many fears early on, from adults, influential peers, teachers, or other “trusted” sources. Ask yourself how much of your fear is based on your own experience. What part of it is “Mom always said…,” or “It happened to my cousin once…,” or “CNN reported…”? Once you understand the source, give yourself permission to let go of any fear you accidentally picked up from someone else.

Break it down gently. If fear keeps you from achieving a goal, a phobia treatment called systematic desensitization can help get you back in gear. First break your goal into small, doable increments. Then visualize each step, and imagine taking action and getting a great result. As your fear rises, use deep breathing or other relaxation techniques to dissipate any uncomfortable feelings. Then take that step, managing your anxiety with relaxation as you go. You’ll soon be able to control your fear response, stay in action, and reach your goal. This approach is reinforcing, because taking action is one of fear’s most powerful antidotes!

When you change your knee-jerk reaction to fear into a thoughtful response, you take away its power to control your life. So next time you find yourself resisting, suppressing, avoiding, or fighting something you’re afraid of, take a closer look and try to understand the fear. Remember, “know fear” leads to “no fear!”