Is there something you’ve really wanted for a long time? A new career? A happier relationship? A bigger house? To make a difference in the world? These are examples of things you might have imagined are possible but aren’t within your grasp at the moment. So how do you get them? GRASP them!

You can look at any dream or vision as requiring five key factors to help make them come true: a Goal, Resources, Attitude, Support, and a Plan. Without any one of these things being in place, the likelihood of realizing your dream goes down.

Let’s look at each of these elements in detail.

Goal. This seems pretty obvious, but is your goal really a goal, or just a vague daydream? In other words, how well-defined is your vision? What kind of job do you want? What does “happier” mean to you, in practical terms? How big of a house and where? What specific difference would you like to make, and for whom? Keep asking these kinds of questions until you are crystal clear on the who’s, what’s, where’s, and when’s of your vision.

Resources. This is where you take inventory for your dream. What do you have at your disposal right now to make it come true? What skills, knowledge, talents, and abilities do you already possess that will help you succeed? What time, money, equipment, and materials do you have to make this easier? On the flipside, what do you need? What’s missing? Making a list of both your available and absent resources helps you use what you have and go after what’s missing.

Attitude. Our attitudes about what we can and can’t do are even more important than the resources we have to accomplish our goals. You can think about all the things that can go wrong; all the times you failed; all the things that stand in your way; all the reasons why now isn’t a good time. OR… You can choose to assume that no matter what, you will achieve your goal. One might argue that this attitude is “unrealistic.” But in fact a positive attitude greatly increases the odds that you will reach your goal. Focusing on possibilities instead than problems opens up creativity, opportunities, and willingness from other people to help you succeed.

Support. Speaking of people, the more support and encouragement you have, the more likely you are to reach your dream. Who can help you obtain the resources that you’re missing? Who will bolster you up when you get discouraged? Who do you want there with you to celebrate your success? We thrive more with support, dare more with encouragement, and do more with love. How can you enlist the support of others to help you achieve your goal?

Plan. And of course, you must create a plan. Something with a schedule, doable action items, clear milestones, and finite ways to measure your progress. This doesn’t have to be elaborate-it can be as simple as outlining the steps to your goal and marking the dates when you want to accomplish each task. Putting something down “on paper” makes it more concrete; having a plan puts your dream into three dimensions (four if you count the time it takes to complete it!).

So think for a moment about something you’ve been wanting for a long time. Walk through the GRASP model and ask yourself which factors come up short or missing. Make the commitment to yourself to define the goal, determine your resources, shift your attitude, solicit support, create a plan–then grasp your dreams!

I recently got to thinking about light and how many different ways we use it to our advantage. Diving headlamps, recessed canister lighting, surgical lasers, lighthouse beacons, Halloween black lights. Seems like there’s a special light for every possible use and occasion.

As intelligent beings, we “shine light” on the changes and challenges in our lives through our capacity to think logically, creatively, reflectively. But it’s easy to get into a fixed way of thinking, kind of like that all-purpose, 60-watt incandescent bulb. How we analyze situations, solve problems, and make decisions often follows a predictable pattern. This can work for us most of the time, just as that ol’ white light bulb meets most of our everyday household needs.

But wouldn’t it be more powerful, more illuminating, if we could select the perfect way of thinking to ideally suit each problem or decision point we encounter? After all, a doctor wouldn’t use a floodlight to remove a tumor, nor would a spelunker use a laser to find their way through a cave. Using light as a metaphor, let’s talk about a range of thinking styles and how to select the best approach for a given situation, using career transition as an example.

Candlelight. A way of thinking that is quiet, calm, introspective, meditative. Thinking like candlelight uses peace, intuition, and spirituality to access inner wisdom and insight for important decisions. You might use this kind of thinking to ask yourself important questions about your ideal career, your contribution to society, or your life’s purpose.

Flashlight. A flashlight is for searching, exploring, and illuminating. You can use flashlight thinking when you want to explore a problem or get more information. It’s a frame of mind that is inquisitive, open-minded, non-judgmental, and optimistic. Flashlight thinking is great for researching new career opportunities, investigating organizations of interest, or figuring out how to expand your skill set.

Floodlight. This bold light is used to illuminate a wide area and dispel the darkness. Use floodlight thinking to open up your horizons and drive out fear. It’s about being courageous and taking action, even when you feel scared. Floodlight thinking can be about believing in your own ability to find meaningful work or ask for that promotion. It’s about choosing to see opportunity where none existed before.

Ultraviolet/Infrared. This is light we can’t see, yet can feel its effects. It represents the Aha! moments in our lives, when something shifts and we suddenly see our situation differently. Sometimes these epiphanies take us by surprise; sometimes they’re a long time coming. It’s the moment of truth that says, “I don’t want to do this job anymore,” or “Hey, I could turn my hobby into a career!”

Prism. A prism isn’t a source of light, but rather a filter for seeing light differently. I liken it to our imagination, allowing playfulness and creativity to transform ordinary thoughts into a rainbow of possibilities. It’s inspired problem-solving, mind-mapping, brainstorming, playing with new ideas, letting yourself outside of your own box and seeing what happens. It’s imagining what you’d do for work if money were no object, or if you could call a “do-over” on your career.

Laser. A laser is powerful, concentrated light source that’s made for action. Laser thinking is precise, focused, and results-oriented. Use laser thinking to create S.M.A.R.T. goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Time-driven). It’s knowing where you want to go and developing a plan for how to get there. An example is deciding to update your résumé by a certain date, or apply for a specific job that sounds perfect for you.

So next time you have a problem you’re struggling with, ask yourself, “What kind of light am I shining on this situation?” Chances are you might benefit from changing the brightness, intensity or hue of your thoughts to come up with better solutions. And if your own light fails to illuminate, ask a friend to lend you theirs.

How do you handle life’s roadblocks? Do you say, “Oh boy! What a great challenge! I can’t wait to work my way through this particular problem…”? I’m guessing probably not. More likely your reaction is something along the lines of, “Oh *%&#!”

If so, don’t feel bad; you’re in good company.

I’ve known a few amazing people in my life who meet challenges in a naturally positive way. But I think most of us approach our troubles with a fight or flight mentality. Nevertheless, I truly believe that the ability to face and overcome obstacles is one of humankind’s greatest characteristics, and one that can be cultivated.

What it takes is the willingness to shift our relationship with our obstacles. To do this, I recommend a “Triple-A” approach:

1. Awareness
2. Attitude
3. Action

Awareness

This may sound obvious, but to change a behavior you first have to be aware of it. So much of our behavior is ingrained and unconscious, and we often defeat ourselves before we ever get started and not even realize it.

Once you’ve identified a problem in your life, it’s easy to get swept up in the strong emotions it triggers. This often just intensifies the problem and makes it harder to come up with solutions. To distance yourself from these emotions, try writing your problem out on paper in three steps. First list the facts; then list what the situation means to you; then list your feelings about it. For example:

1. One of your co-workers just got promoted. (FACT)
2. You wanted that job and believe you should have gotten it. It must be that your manager thinks you’re not good enough. (MEANING)
3. You’re angry, hurt, bewildered, resentful, envious. (FEELINGS)

In this case, it’s possible you don’t know all the reasons why the co-worker got the promotion, nor why you might have been passed over. Often we leap to conclusions without having enough information. Using these three steps helps us distinguish what’s really happening from what we might be making up. Ask yourself if your meaning is the truth, or if there’s something you’re missing, distorting, or just wishing were true.

If you are still overwhelmed, try writing down the problem:

• as if it happened five years ago. You may find that by framing your problem as a story, the ending (solution) naturally follows. “I didn’t get this promotion I wanted, so what I ended up doing was…”
• as though it were happening to someone else. “I know this person who was passed over for a promotion …” Also describe how they’re reacting to the situation. “They were really bent out of shape…”
• from the perspective of a wise guru, offering compassion and advice to someone else in this situation. “I know this feels awful now, but this is what you might do to turn this around…”

Attitude

Once you’ve put some emotional distance between you and your problem, you can gain more control over your attitude towards the situation, and begin to explore alternate interpretations or meanings. Here are some helpful questions to ask yourself:

What does this problem mean to me?

What’s the payoff for staying overwhelmed about this problem?

What frame of mind would help me get through this more easily?

What lessons might I learn from this situation?

What’s good about this?

As you come up with answers, you may find yourself looking at your problem in a completely different way, and naturally gravitating towards finding a solution.

Action

When you’ve shifted from problem mode to solution mode, you can now decide how to take action. Ask yourself:

What strengths do I bring to this situation?

What information do I need to resolve this problem?

When have I faced something like this before? What did I do in the past?

Where in this do I have control or influence?

What do I need to let go of?

Who can help me?

What’s my first step?

And know that you don’t have to (nor is it advisable to) do this all by yourself. In general the most resilient people are those who have a strong network of people to rely on when things get difficult. And when you enlist others to help you with problems, you are in effect saying, “You matter enough to me that I’m willing to be vulnerable with you.” This is a precious gift that strengthens relationships. So find people you trust-friends, family, colleagues, community members, or professionals-and ask them if they’d be willing to walk through these steps with you and be a compassionate sounding board as you face your problem.

So obstacles aren’t really obstacles; they’re what we make them to be. They can be brick walls that stop us in our tracks, or they can be isometric exercises that make us stronger, increase our stamina, and help us grow into our very best selves.

Think of a problem you’re currently facing. Apply the “Triple-A” approach, and see how your relationship with that problem changes. Embrace the illusion!

We’re born curious. We use every sense we have to explore this strange new world, taking in sights and sounds and smells and tastes and textures as fast as we possibly can.

In some, this insatiable curiosity wanes as they figure things out, perfecting behaviors that keep them safe and happy. For others the desire to explore, discover, invent, and solve remains with them for life.

My mother said my favorite question as a child was “How come?” But gradually I stopped asking a zillion questions. How come? It could have been out of fear, distraction, laziness, or believing that curiosity really does kill the cat. I later realized that in relinquishing my curiosity, I also lost an important way to connect with the world around me. So I’ve been diligently working to reclaim that inquisitiveness.

If you don’t think being curious can help you at this stage of life, consider these benefits:

• Curiosity helps solve problems. What worked for us 10 years ago or even 15 minutes ago may not work now. Since we face new problems almost daily, curiosity leads to new and better solutions-helping us adapt to change, reduce stress, and live more richly.
• Curiosity strengthens relationships. The most successful manager/networker/party guest/friend is one who asks questions, listens, learns, and remembers things about those they interact with.
• Curiosity leads to a more successful career. In a world where information grows by the second, the employee who “knows it all” and doesn’t keep their skills and knowledge current quickly falls behind. This leads to boredom, frustration, dead end positions, stagnant wages, and unemployment.
• Curiosity clarifies values. Learning about people, events, and issues helps us stay connected, fuels our own missions, and sheds light on our own beliefs, priorities, and motives.
• Curiosity releases expectation. We get disappointed when things don’t go our way. Curiosity helps us let go of the outcome–we can wonder how things will turn out instead of being crestfallen when reality doesn’t match our expectations.

You might say to this, “But I’m very curious. I spend lots of time Googling, reading blogs, getting daily news feeds.” It’s true; with the Internet it’s fun and easy to satisfy your curiosity, at least in some ways.

But there are other forms of curiosity that are harder to satisfy, but can lead to enormous payoff. There is curiosity about ourselves–our purpose, mission, or place in the world. There’s asking how much our current job reflects our personality, talents, and values. There’s wondering how we can improve our relationships, our parenting skills, our contribution to society. And there’s contemplating how to get more joy and fulfillment out of every day we’re alive.

What would your life be like if you could Google for these answers?

If jumping-starting this kind of curiosity seems daunting, begin with little things. The spark of curiosity can begin simply by paying closer attention. Here are some ideas:

1. Look it up. The next time you come across a word or concept you don’t understand, don’t just skip over it; stop and find out what it means. Look it up or ask someone.
2. Ask just one more question. In your next conversation with someone, ask them one more question about something they said, rather than responding with your thoughts or opinions.
3. Do an informational interview. Find someone from an organization, in a position, or with a hobby you’re curious about. Offer to buy them a cup of coffee in exchange for information. Most people will be flattered and enjoy the opportunity to talk about themselves.
4. Browse a new aisle. Next time you’re in the bookstore, library, video store, music store, shopping mall, whatever, deliberately peruse an area you wouldn’t normally visit. Notice what catches your eye. Look more closely. Try to reserve judgment and see what you learn.
5. Take a community education class. Find an inexpensive course in something you’ve never even thought of trying. Pottery, beer brewing, real estate investing, acting, sign language, square dancing, kayaking, drawing, fencing, travel writing. The possibilities are endless.
6. Go on a treasure hunt. Explore your neighborhood, community, or city. Set out on foot, by bike, by car, or public transportation, with the express purpose of finding things you didn’t know about. It could be a great hole-in-the-wall deli, an art gallery, a sports shop, a street with great architecture, a beautiful public park. (This is a fun activity to share with someone.)
7. Bookend your day. Wake up every morning and ask yourself “What new and interesting thing will I find out about today?” Before you go to sleep, ask yourself, “What new and interesting thing did I find out about today?”

The great thing about cultivating curiosity is that it’s self-perpetuating. There’s a certain thrill to learning, especially when we discover things on our own. For example, I enjoy great restaurants that I’ve stumbled onto even more than those recommended by others.

Once you’re in the habit of being curious, you might find you naturally delve into more personal and complex issues. You can then ask questions like, “If my life were 10 percent better than it is now, what would it look like? If it were 50 percent better? 100 percent better?”

So, what are you curious about?

I’m skeptical when someone claims to be fearless–after all, it’s an integral part of being human. If we understand that fear’s true (albeit sometimes misguided) purpose is to keep us safe, we can actually use it to our advantage.

Unfortunately, it seems that instead of being taught to manage fear, we’re almost encouraged to operate from it–by our parents (with punishment), our teachers (with bad grades), our employers (with termination), government (with loss of freedom), the media (with crime and natural disasters), and the list goes on.

Fear can hijack your life by:

• dampening your motivation to grow or improve your situation
• jeopardizing personal and professional relationships
• making you hesitant to accept help
• forcing you to make excuses for your words and actions
• locking you into negative thought patterns and self-destructive behaviors
• imprisoning you in a dead-end job, a bad marriage, even your own home.

However, I believe we can learn to choose how we experience fear, and in doing so open ourselves up to a whole new set of options. When you get right down to it, our emotions are just energy. We can either let that energy overwhelm us, or we can harness and drive it in a more positive direction.

Here are a few ways you can reframe your fear.

Recognize fear for what it is. Perceived fear is a physical sensation. And unless you’re in the direct path of a large speeding object or a person with malicious intent, you have the luxury of just feeling that fear for a few minutes. Sit quietly, close your eyes, and concentrate on where you feel fear in your body. Now, imagine breathing through those affected areas. Notice how the sensations change. You’ll soon realize that fear is physical and transient, something that you can control and release.

Get rational. Turn on your “left” brain and see your fear as a puzzle to be solved. Ask questions like: Who taught me to be fearful about this? Which parts of this fear are rational, and which are ridiculous? When did I start being afraid? Where does this show up for me? What would happen if I chose to feel differently about this? Disarm your fear with some compassionate interrogation.

Do some biased research. You can always find plenty of evidence to support your fears. Instead, avoid the path of least resistance and look for facts and statistics that refute your fears. When you look for evidence to the contrary, not only will you find it, but you may also find you’ve changed your whole outlook in the process.

Model yourself after the best. Talk to or read about someone who’s faced a similar situation. Recognize that in each of us is the ability to overcome great obstacles. Sometimes all it takes is feeling inspired by others to see it in ourselves.

Air them out. Fears rattle around in our head like nuts and bolts in a clothes dryer. Drawing fears out into the air or in writing strips them of their power, somehow. Find a trusted friend to talk with, or simply write them down. Watch them magically shrink before your very eyes!

Have a “higher self” dialogue. Once you’ve exposed your fears, talk back to them. Pretend you are a very old, very wise person, and respond to each specific fear in a calm, assured, comforting way–verbally or in writing. You’ll be amazed at your own wisdom, and soon realize you’re also free to act on that wisdom.

Trust your own sources. It’s likely that you inherited many fears early on, from adults, influential peers, teachers, or other “trusted” sources. Ask yourself how much of your fear is based on your own experience. What part of it is “Mom always said…,” or “It happened to my cousin once…,” or “CNN reported…”? Once you understand the source, give yourself permission to let go of any fear you accidentally picked up from someone else.

Break it down gently. If fear keeps you from achieving a goal, a phobia treatment called systematic desensitization can help get you back in gear. First break your goal into small, doable increments. Then visualize each step, and imagine taking action and getting a great result. As your fear rises, use deep breathing or other relaxation techniques to dissipate any uncomfortable feelings. Then take that step, managing your anxiety with relaxation as you go. You’ll soon be able to control your fear response, stay in action, and reach your goal. This approach is reinforcing, because taking action is one of fear’s most powerful antidotes!

When you change your knee-jerk reaction to fear into a thoughtful response, you take away its power to control your life. So next time you find yourself resisting, suppressing, avoiding, or fighting something you’re afraid of, take a closer look and try to understand the fear. Remember, “know fear” leads to “no fear!”

When I hear people talk about their New Year’s resolutions I get the impression they’re really talking about New Year’s hopes. As in, “I hope this new day of a new month of a new year will create enough magic to help me lose weight, save money, change jobs, etc.” We know how that magic usually pans out.

I think the problem stems from how we approach resolution. What images arise for you with that word? I think of conviction, strength, discipline, sacrifice. Powerful ideas all of them, but ones that are hard to live up to every day.

So is there a better way to make resolutions that stick?

I think there is. First, let’s consider the word itself. Resolution originated in the early 1400s from Latin roots meaning “breaking into parts,” “reducing things into simpler forms,” and “loosening.” Using these definitions, we can approach positive change in a whole new way.

Breaking into parts. We often attempt a major personal change without getting clear on all the necessary elements–namely our thoughts, feelings, and ability to take action. Unless these three areas are in alignment, chances are you’ll fall short of your goal. For instance, if you’re mentally and emotionally committed to your goal but don’t take consistent action, you’ll never move forward. Or, if you’re mentally prepared and willing to take action but aren’t emotionally engaged, you’ll get stuck in “neutral.” Finally, if you’re emotionally committed and willing to take action but haven’t thought your goal through, you’ll likely end up someplace other than where you want to be.

So how do you get your thoughts, feelings, and actions in alignment?

1. Think about your goal in great detail: what it looks like, why you want it, when it will happen, how you will go about it. Make it vividly real to you.
2. Feel the success. Take the mental picture you created, and add all the emotions you want to feel about it. Confidence? Joy? Pride? Giddiness? Visualize your success until you actually feel those emotions, right now.
3. Act on a plan that engages your thoughts and your feelings. When you feel unclear or unmotivated, stop and go back to the mental image and emotional state you created around your goal. If you truly connect to your goal with your mind and heart, taking action becomes much easier.

Reducing things into simpler forms. Our resolutions are often things of grandeur, ringing loud and clear for all the world to hear. Sometimes that proclamation alone is enough to keep us on track, but more often than not it’s like strapping a jet engine to a scooter. Too much thrust, not enough control.

Try making the whole thing simpler, more specific, and more manageable. Instead of a grandiose resolution to get completely out of debt this year, look just a week ahead. What’s realistic? “I’ll cook one more meal at home, buy one less latte, put $5 in a cookie jar.” The easier the action, the less likely your inner adolescent will kick in and say, “Don’t tell me what to do!” Keep setting your sights smaller and smaller until you find yourself consistently doing the things you set out to do.

Loosening. This third approach implies that, ironically, giving ourselves enough slack actually helps us move towards our goal. Say you’ve aligned your mind, heart, and body to finding your dream job, and have broken down your plan into small daily tasks, like arranging an informational interview, researching an interesting company, or tailoring your resume.

But one morning you wake up and find yourself doing everything but your plan. At this point you can 1) beat yourself up for being a lazy loser; 2) try to get your old boring job back; or 3) say to yourself, “I’m just not up to calling people or doing research today. However, I know I can read just one chapter in that book on interview skills…” Loosen up and know that your energy, motivation, and abilities naturally vary from day to day. The trick is to ask yourself “What can I do today?” Instead of giving up, do whatever you are able to do that day, however small. Give yourself credit for always moving forward, even if it’s an inch. Being kind to yourself today may be exactly what you need to get back on track tomorrow.

Putting it all together, think about what dream you want to fulfill in the year ahead. Something your mind, heart, and body can all agree on. Something you can break down into small, simple steps. Something that allows you the freedom to do better some days than others.

Have a safe and happy New Year, and may your resolutions become reality!

We’re closing in on what should be a favorite time of the year, what with days off work, bountiful feasts, sanctioned shopping sprees, and the festive gathering of family and friends.

In reality, many people I talk to dread the holidays. Days off work lead to overflowing in-boxes later on. Bountiful feasts result in frantic diet resolutions on January 1. Shopping sprees end up on bloated credit card statements next month. And gatherings lead to bending over backwards to make sure everything is perfect, and reluctantly entertaining relatives whose faces you’d rather see on milk cartons than in your own home.

Holidays can be wonderful, special times when we take the opportunity to tell people how much they mean to us, while sharing fun times and exchanging gifts. I believe what causes all that stress and panic is that we rarely stop to give gifts to those most deserving: ourselves.

Throughout the year we spend a lot of time taking care of other people. We defer our own needs, telling ourselves we’ll see that movie or play that game of golf or visit that spa as soon as we get a little extra time. Tell the truth now: how often does that “little extra time” show up? And if it does, how often do you actually do something fun with it?

So, what better time than the end of the year to take a look at how much you’ve accomplished. We make New Year’s Resolutions; why not Old Year Congratulations? Make a list of all the wonderful things you’ve done for others this past year, then give yourself gifts you’ve been deferring. Here are some ideas of what you can give yourself over the holidays:

Don’t accept every invitation you get. It’s tempting to go to every office party, every social gathering, every holiday event this time of year. Instead of running yourself ragged, pick a handful you think you’ll enjoy the most, and do them up in style!

Budget in quiet time. As challenging as this may sound, scheduling a 30- or 60-minute block of time for yourself, even once a week, may be the best gift you could ever give yourself. Read, nap, work on a hobby, listen to music. Rejuvenate yourself and notice how much more energy you’ll have for others afterwards.

Skip the malls. Send out cards early, with a note telling everyone that you’re skipping gifts this year (except perhaps for the kids) and instead donating the money to hurricane victims. You’ll feel less stressed and know you’re doing a good thing. You may even inspire others to do the same.

Surround yourself with favorite people. Set aside quality time to spend with your most treasured people in the world. If those people live far away, schedule an hour to talk with them on the phone. Make the time to tell the people you love how much you love them.

Cancel a holiday. I’ve already heard that a few of my friends have “cancelled” a holiday this year. Instead of running around shopping and decorating and cooking and pleasing everyone, they said, “No go. I’m spending this day with just my husband/partner/kids/friends/nobody. I’m going to the movies. I’m taking a nap.” The world isn’t going to end if you choose not to partake just this once.

Ask for what you want. Instead of doing it all yourself, or assuming you have to, speak up and enlist support. Make all your gatherings potlucks; ask for help with shopping or decorating or cleaning; spend a little less on gifts and hire out the tasks you detest-if just this once.

Do something completely different. Sometimes holiday stress is compounded by the sheer boredom of doing the same old thing, year after year. Shake things up, do something unusual-see a new show, invite different people over, decorate the house in a creative way, volunteer somewhere special, let someone else host the dinner. Break tradition and see what happens. You might find something so enjoyable it becomes a new tradition!

You know how when someone gives you a gift, it doesn’t have to be big or expensive to mean the world to you? It’s the same with giving a gift to yourself. Recount your year’s accomplishments and lavish yourself with a little extra time, space, or energy-you may be surprised to find that this year you’ve had the happiest holidays ever.

As I write this, little trick-or-treaters all over are dressing up as witches, ghosts, cowboys, and princesses, eager to impress their neighbors and ask for treats. It’s fun to dress up, try on a different personality, and show up as somebody else once a year.

But sadly, many of us go “trick-or-treating” every day. We cover up our true selves with a mask, become what we think others might want or need from us, and hope that what we’ve come up with is acceptable, likeable, and worthy of praise.

Pretty good trick if you can pull it off. And most of us can, at least for a while. Some do what others tell them to do, others act happy when they’re really not, still others pretend to enjoy activities that others do in order to fit in.

Obviously all these things are necessary from time to time: they help us stay married, keep our jobs, and maintain our friendships. But the danger lies in consistently compromising what we think, say, or do because we’re afraid people won’t understand, like, or approve of us. We don’t often realize the price we pay for not being authentically ourselves:

• Trying to be someone or do something that goes against our real nature generates physical and mental stress
• We wind up “relating” to people who seem like us, and miss out on meaningful connections with those who are like us
• Other people are in control of our happiness and self-respect
• We start to believe the façade we’ve put on, and lose out on the joy of expressing our unique talents and personality.

Sometimes being someone we’re not becomes a lifelong habit. It takes awareness, courage, and diligence to doff the mask and show the world who we really are. But how do we know who we really are? What do we look like without the mask on? Here are a few indicators:

1. We tell the truth about what we think, feel, and believe–while still respecting others’ thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.
2. We set clear boundaries for ourselves defining what we are willing and not willing to do for (or with) others, and communicate those boundaries.
3. We take ownership of our own feelings, without laying blame on someone else for making us feel that way.
4. We recognize what’s special about being us, and find ways to express that as often as possible.
5. We seek out and nurture the company of people who make us feel good about ourselves, who encourage us, who bring out our best.
6. We learn to recognize what makes us feel alive and full of passion, and bring more of those things into our life.

Conversely, if we listen carefully, our bodies and emotions tell us when things are out of alignment. It might be an uncomfortable feeling in our stomach, a hesitation in our voice, an unexplained sadness, or a sense of detachment from our own lives.

The good news is, if we consciously focus on feeling alive and tapping into our genuine selves, we attract more people like us, and create more meaningful and joyful experiences. That doesn’t mean that life gets any easier or that all stress suddenly evaporates. What it does mean is that some unnecessary stress goes away when we show up in our own life without pretending to be or have or do something we’re not.

So, take a first step. Get up tomorrow morning and consciously notice those times when your thoughts, words, or actions don’t exactly align with what you feel inside. Also notice when you’re really enjoying yourself, being productive, and “in the flow,” seemingly without effort. The latter points to the genuine you, and with time and practice you’ll find that the only way you’ll want to be is without a mask.

Except once a year. On Halloween.

OK, summer’s pretty much over but your mind and heart may not be quite ready to give up on longer days, shorter pants, sunblock, and barbecues. Nevertheless, there’s something in the air (a throwback to school days, no doubt) that calls us to roll up our sleeves, redouble our efforts, and kick our lives back into gear.

Problem is, that’s sometimes easier said than done.

What do you do when you have a goal but don’t seem to be motivated to get it done? Well, lots of things: daydream, distract yourself with idle tasks, multi-task inefficiently, and engage in all sorts of avoidance behaviors that many of us struggle with but rarely admit to.

Maintaining focus and self-discipline is something we face at one point or another in our lives (or our day!). We feel we should do something, and would if only we felt motivated, or had the self-discipline, or both.

But as we know, simply willing ourselves to get going is often a losing battle. Instead, try changing your perspective from motivation to inspiration. Here are some ways to shift your thinking from “oh no” to “let’s go!”

1. Once upon a time. Depending on the size of the goal, pick a point in the future (one week, six months, five years) and imagine telling someone how you accomplished it. In great detail. Often outlining the process in your head can break through your resistance to action.
2. Out of the mouths of babes. Imagine asking a child (or actually ask one) how they would get the job done. Listen to the fun, creative answer, and apply what works!
3. Prime the pump. What’s the smallest increment of action you can take to start your goal? Do that one small thing. You may then find yourself drawn to the next small step. And the next.
4. Capture the state. What does “inspiration” feel like to you? Think about the last time you felt truly fired up to do something, then put your body and mind in that state. Use that energy to propel you forward.
5. Change your language. When it comes to getting things done, how do you talk about yourself? “I’m lazy.” “I procrastinate.” “I’m good at starting things…” Change your thoughts and words to those of completion and accomplishment. Even if you don’t believe it at first, keep it up and watch your actions change…
6. Do a values check. Make a list of your top 10 values. What’s most important to you? Does this task or goal support one or more of these values? If so, how? If not, ask yourself why it’s on your list.
7. Buddy up. Team up with a trusted friend, and share your goals. Set up a schedule of mutual accountability. Get together and treat yourselves when you’ve both met your goals.
8. Model your hero. Think about someone you admire (friend, celebrity, fictional character). What’s their attitude? How would they do this? Then pretend you’re just like them.
9. Do an inventory. Get out some paper, write your goal at the top, and make two columns: What I Have and What I Need. In the first column, list everything you have to accomplish your goal (tools, materials, know-how, personality traits, etc.) and in the second, what you don’t have. What shows up in the second column may shed light on why you’re stuck and how to fix it.
10. Build on your successes. Think about everything you’ve accomplished so far today (including getting out of bed!). No matter how small, you do many wonderful things every day. Make a habit of recounting your successes every night, and soon you’ll be looking for more things to go after tomorrow.

So, pick one thing you’d like to get done. Start with something small, apply one or more of these strategies, or make up your own. What would you like to feel inspired about today?

I saw this bumper sticker the other week and thought it was the best advice I’d seen in a long time: “Don’t believe everything you think.” Yet we do. All the time.

Personally, I believe our positive thoughts are much more likely to be accurate than our negative ones. Why? Maybe because we’re wired for disaster - it’s a survival thing - so we look for the bad, even when it’s not there. That’s all well and good if you live in the wilderness and mistake a shadow for a bear, but for the most part, our daily lives just aren’t that dangerous.

What is dangerous is the chronic stress we put ourselves through, as our bodies react to negative thoughts with a trickle (or flood!) of survival chemicals that put wear and tear on our organs and immune systems.

So how do we stop distorting our thoughts? The best antidote is to 1) be aware of them, 2) give them a reality check, and 3) actively replace them with something better. Our thoughts are so numerous and automatic that this may be hard at first. However, with a little practice you’ll soon recognize the wake of a distorted thought in your bodily sensations and emotions.

Here are just a few types of distorted thinking patterns you can look for:

Absoluting. We sometimes phrase our wants and desires in the form of absolute truths. This way of thinking creates unrealistic expectations and limits our ability to choose. Listen for words like “must,” “should”, and “ought to.”

“I must clean the house every week.” “My spouse/partner should have known I didn’t like that.”

Better to examine your expectations against what’s feasible, and decide what you can live with.

“I can live with a little dust as long as the kitchen is clean.” “I’ll let my spouse/partner know what I need.”

Doing the Can’t-Can’t. “Can’t.” “Won’t.” “Don’t.” These words hint that we may be killing our efforts before we even begin.

“I can’t find time for myself.” “I’m not the organized type.”

Instead, reframe the thought or ask yourself a question that leaves you open to possibility.

“How can I find time for myself?” “I’m going to ask for help in getting more organized.”

Monochrome thinking. Thinking in extreme, black & white terms makes it difficult to navigate in a world filled with shades of gray. Listen for the words “always”, “never”, “every”, “all”, and “nothing”.

“Why am I always so clumsy?” “She’s never considerate!”

A better approach is to focus on the current situation without globalizing.

“Oops! Gravity-1, me-0.” “Maybe she didn’t realized how much that hurt. I’ll let her know.”

Mind-reading. This one is very popular. We assume we know what others are thinking and make decisions about ourselves and the world based on little or no real information.

“He thinks I’m an idiot.” “Everyone knows I’m faking it.”

A sure-fire cure for this is to simply ask or, if you can’t ask, choose to let it go until you have outside confirmation.

“I value your opinion. Can you give me some pointers?” “I wonder how many other people here are as nervous as I am?”

Catastrophizing. Our minds have a flair for the dramatic which, while entertaining, can lead to undue stress and anxiety.

“This is going to be a disaster!” “I just know she’ll get the promotion instead of me.”

To benefit from self-fulfilling prophecies, shift your thoughts to the best possible outcome.

“I wonder what I’m going to learn from this experience?” “I’m proud that I do my job well. If I don’t get this promotion, something better will come along.”

In general, the best way to address distorted thinking is to examine it in full light. For the next 24 hours, look for your negative thoughts. Write them down if possible. Then play with how you can transform them into thoughts that lift you up instead of bring you down!