For each of us, there inevitably come events that break free from the ordinary context of our life. Recently, I experienced such an event, as I helped my father through to the end of his life.

This event was extraordinary in a number of ways. It obliged me to face mortality head on; it also showed me the depth of compassion in his caregivers. I found I can handle much more than I thought possible; and, perhaps most importantly, it showed me that how I frame my experiences makes all the difference in the world.

My husband and I were there the last few hours before my father died. We played his favorite music, and held his hand. We said our goodbyes; told him his affairs were in good hands. In short, we gave him permission to let go, knowing that all he had come to know and love about this world would continue in our stewardship. I felt we had done right by him, and there was great comfort in this.

As I moved away from this extraordinary event and back into my “ordinary life,” I brought with me the understanding that everything in our life has the potential to be extraordinary-it’s all in how we frame it.

If you’ve ever framed a print or painting, you’ve seen the amazing transformation that happens as it’s set against different colors, textures, and patterns of matte and frame. The interplay of these elements has potential to illuminate, overpower, or clash with the artwork.

Such is the case with how we experience major events in our life. Our attitudes and actions, much like the matte and frame, give context to these events-enhancing or diminishing them. Changing a job, starting a relationship, buying a home, sending a child off to college, facing the illness or death of a loved one. Each of these events is an experience unique to each of us, a one-of-a-kind work of art. It’s up to us to choose how we frame this masterpiece.

Do we slap it up against the backdrop of our life, carelessly tacked up with tape like a teenager’s poster? Do we stuff it in a closet because it’s “not our style?” Or do we handle it with care, treating it with honor and deliberation? By framing our major life events with conscious awareness, we:

• guard against being swept away by emotions that increase our stress;
• experience a greater sense of control over the situation;
• stay open to opportunities and blessings, even the most difficult situations;
• free up our minds and hearts for better decision-making; and
• create memories we can look back at with satisfaction, even joy.

Just as each of us has unique taste in artwork, so we will each frame our experiences in a different way. Here are some ideas for creating more meaning, regardless of the nature of the event or decision:

Recognize the masterpiece. This sounds simple, but just acknowledging the significance of the situation helps you make the most of your resources as you move through it.

Look ahead, then look back. Imagine that it is six months, one year, or five years from now. How do you want to see this, when all is said and done? How do you want the world to see how you handled the situation?

Call for backup. This is the time to make use of those people in your network. Not only can these people help you through a difficult time, they can be a part of what makes this experience meaningful-the reinforcement of love and friendship.

Search for the gems. Even through the pain of losing my father, there were small, beautiful moments I cherished over the past few months. Watching him enjoy Christmas lights, drinking hot chocolate, feeding treats to his dogs. Major life events bring these gems into sharp relief-when we zoom in and frame them as special.

Capture the meaning. Create a symbol, icon, or ritual that represents the importance and meaning of the event or decision. I received the gift of a little hula doll that now represents how much my parents loved going to Hawaii each year. It captures both the joy they had in their lives, and the sadness I feel in their absence.

Go easy on yourself. No matter what the process-know you won’t do it perfectly. Forgive yourself for that botched interview question; the petty argument with your kid as they move away to college; the one thing you should have said or done differently before losing someone close to you. What’s most important is that you were there, doing the best you could in that moment.

Capture the lessons. Another important part of the framing is asking yourself: what have I learned? What will I do differently next time? How has this made me a better person? Asking these questions helps you assimilate the growth and prepares you for life’s next major work of art!

No matter who you are, where you are, or what you’ve been through, it is these experiences, these pieces of art, that collectively make up our life. Choose today to frame those experiences with care and deliberation-so that in your old age you look back upon a gallery of masterpieces.

Is there something you’ve really wanted for a long time? A new career? A happier relationship? A bigger house? To make a difference in the world? These are examples of things you might have imagined are possible but aren’t within your grasp at the moment. So how do you get them? GRASP them!

You can look at any dream or vision as requiring five key factors to help make them come true: a Goal, Resources, Attitude, Support, and a Plan. Without any one of these things being in place, the likelihood of realizing your dream goes down.

Let’s look at each of these elements in detail.

Goal. This seems pretty obvious, but is your goal really a goal, or just a vague daydream? In other words, how well-defined is your vision? What kind of job do you want? What does “happier” mean to you, in practical terms? How big of a house and where? What specific difference would you like to make, and for whom? Keep asking these kinds of questions until you are crystal clear on the who’s, what’s, where’s, and when’s of your vision.

Resources. This is where you take inventory for your dream. What do you have at your disposal right now to make it come true? What skills, knowledge, talents, and abilities do you already possess that will help you succeed? What time, money, equipment, and materials do you have to make this easier? On the flipside, what do you need? What’s missing? Making a list of both your available and absent resources helps you use what you have and go after what’s missing.

Attitude. Our attitudes about what we can and can’t do are even more important than the resources we have to accomplish our goals. You can think about all the things that can go wrong; all the times you failed; all the things that stand in your way; all the reasons why now isn’t a good time. OR… You can choose to assume that no matter what, you will achieve your goal. One might argue that this attitude is “unrealistic.” But in fact a positive attitude greatly increases the odds that you will reach your goal. Focusing on possibilities instead than problems opens up creativity, opportunities, and willingness from other people to help you succeed.

Support. Speaking of people, the more support and encouragement you have, the more likely you are to reach your dream. Who can help you obtain the resources that you’re missing? Who will bolster you up when you get discouraged? Who do you want there with you to celebrate your success? We thrive more with support, dare more with encouragement, and do more with love. How can you enlist the support of others to help you achieve your goal?

Plan. And of course, you must create a plan. Something with a schedule, doable action items, clear milestones, and finite ways to measure your progress. This doesn’t have to be elaborate-it can be as simple as outlining the steps to your goal and marking the dates when you want to accomplish each task. Putting something down “on paper” makes it more concrete; having a plan puts your dream into three dimensions (four if you count the time it takes to complete it!).

So think for a moment about something you’ve been wanting for a long time. Walk through the GRASP model and ask yourself which factors come up short or missing. Make the commitment to yourself to define the goal, determine your resources, shift your attitude, solicit support, create a plan–then grasp your dreams!

How do you handle life’s roadblocks? Do you say, “Oh boy! What a great challenge! I can’t wait to work my way through this particular problem…”? I’m guessing probably not. More likely your reaction is something along the lines of, “Oh *%&#!”

If so, don’t feel bad; you’re in good company.

I’ve known a few amazing people in my life who meet challenges in a naturally positive way. But I think most of us approach our troubles with a fight or flight mentality. Nevertheless, I truly believe that the ability to face and overcome obstacles is one of humankind’s greatest characteristics, and one that can be cultivated.

What it takes is the willingness to shift our relationship with our obstacles. To do this, I recommend a “Triple-A” approach:

1. Awareness
2. Attitude
3. Action

Awareness

This may sound obvious, but to change a behavior you first have to be aware of it. So much of our behavior is ingrained and unconscious, and we often defeat ourselves before we ever get started and not even realize it.

Once you’ve identified a problem in your life, it’s easy to get swept up in the strong emotions it triggers. This often just intensifies the problem and makes it harder to come up with solutions. To distance yourself from these emotions, try writing your problem out on paper in three steps. First list the facts; then list what the situation means to you; then list your feelings about it. For example:

1. One of your co-workers just got promoted. (FACT)
2. You wanted that job and believe you should have gotten it. It must be that your manager thinks you’re not good enough. (MEANING)
3. You’re angry, hurt, bewildered, resentful, envious. (FEELINGS)

In this case, it’s possible you don’t know all the reasons why the co-worker got the promotion, nor why you might have been passed over. Often we leap to conclusions without having enough information. Using these three steps helps us distinguish what’s really happening from what we might be making up. Ask yourself if your meaning is the truth, or if there’s something you’re missing, distorting, or just wishing were true.

If you are still overwhelmed, try writing down the problem:

• as if it happened five years ago. You may find that by framing your problem as a story, the ending (solution) naturally follows. “I didn’t get this promotion I wanted, so what I ended up doing was…”
• as though it were happening to someone else. “I know this person who was passed over for a promotion …” Also describe how they’re reacting to the situation. “They were really bent out of shape…”
• from the perspective of a wise guru, offering compassion and advice to someone else in this situation. “I know this feels awful now, but this is what you might do to turn this around…”

Attitude

Once you’ve put some emotional distance between you and your problem, you can gain more control over your attitude towards the situation, and begin to explore alternate interpretations or meanings. Here are some helpful questions to ask yourself:

What does this problem mean to me?

What’s the payoff for staying overwhelmed about this problem?

What frame of mind would help me get through this more easily?

What lessons might I learn from this situation?

What’s good about this?

As you come up with answers, you may find yourself looking at your problem in a completely different way, and naturally gravitating towards finding a solution.

Action

When you’ve shifted from problem mode to solution mode, you can now decide how to take action. Ask yourself:

What strengths do I bring to this situation?

What information do I need to resolve this problem?

When have I faced something like this before? What did I do in the past?

Where in this do I have control or influence?

What do I need to let go of?

Who can help me?

What’s my first step?

And know that you don’t have to (nor is it advisable to) do this all by yourself. In general the most resilient people are those who have a strong network of people to rely on when things get difficult. And when you enlist others to help you with problems, you are in effect saying, “You matter enough to me that I’m willing to be vulnerable with you.” This is a precious gift that strengthens relationships. So find people you trust-friends, family, colleagues, community members, or professionals-and ask them if they’d be willing to walk through these steps with you and be a compassionate sounding board as you face your problem.

So obstacles aren’t really obstacles; they’re what we make them to be. They can be brick walls that stop us in our tracks, or they can be isometric exercises that make us stronger, increase our stamina, and help us grow into our very best selves.

Think of a problem you’re currently facing. Apply the “Triple-A” approach, and see how your relationship with that problem changes. Embrace the illusion!