It’s been an interesting past few months; the operative word has been “remodel.” We remodeled our kitchen, and I remodeled my website. Through these projects, I learned even more about deliberate and conscious change. As I’ve thought about it (and lived through it), there are 10 different stages to a remodeling job These phases apply to any kind of revamping you make in your life - whether it’s what you do, who you’re with, where you live, or all three!

Here are the stages:

1. Discontent. Simply put, you’re not happy with the status quo anymore. The dissatisfaction may be physical, mental, emotional, even spiritual. In any case, there’s a growing awareness that you’d like it to be different, even if you don’t know what it looks like yet. The key at this stage is to acknowledge that your discomfort has validity, and to not rationalize it away.
2. Vision. You start getting a clear picture of what you do want. Your ideal career, that well-matched mate, the perfect city to live in. Sometimes the vision comes easily; other times it may be hard to bring what you want into focus. Detail is needed here. The more clearly you can see the particulars of your desired change, the more motivation you’ll have to do something about it. If those details are fuzzy at first, stay with it. Read about it, write it down, draw a picture, talk to people about it. Over time you’ll find your vision crystallizing into something that you can articulate and take steps toward achieving.
3. Plan. Before leaping headlong into a remodel, it’s a good idea to work through how it’s all going to go. Are you starting a new business? Write a business plan. Are you relocating? Outline all the things that need to take place on each side of the move. Even in something as unpredictable and messy as a divorce, you can still plan for what decisions need to be made and by when, and clarify who can help and who will be impacted. For those of us who don’t like planning all that much, focus on simplicity. What’s the most straightforward path to where you want to be? A simple plan makes it easy to move out of the vision stage and into action!

   

4. Demolition. At this point there’s nothing left to do but dive in. But in order to have something new, you need to remove the old. Sometimes the demolition is very tangible (like the massive pile of rubble in our backyard); other times it’s an inner dismantling of all that’s comfortable and familiar. It’s easy to have “remodeler’s remorse” at this stage. WHAT HAVE I DONE?? To combat this, go back to your goal; re-energize yourself with the knowledge that you are doing this for a very good reason.
5. Turbulence. Once you’re in the thick of the remodeling, things can get a little bumpy. As you leave the familiar behind but haven’t reached the other side, there can be a lot of stress and frustration. You will have to think, work, and live differently, and much in your life will feel “temporary” until the change is complete. What helps here is to trust in your vision and your plan. Make adjustments to the plan as needed, but stay in the present. If you project ahead to the future and wonder why the heck you aren’t there yet, you’ll find the ride gets even bumpier.
6. Haven. You may find that the temporary measures you’ve established during this big change readily settle into a new routine. The makeshift kitchen in the basement, the rhythm of the job search, the hotel room while your furniture is being shipped. We humans are amazingly adaptable, and it may surprise you how quickly the temporary can feel like home. Use this stage for regrouping. Rest, allow yourself to breathe, and recharge for the rest of the journey.
7. Progress. This is the light at the end of the tunnel. You start seeing glimpses of your vision unfolding. You can actually imagine working in a new job, living in a new place, being with a new person. But with progress often comes annoyance at not enough progress. Give yourself the gift of patience. Know that you are growing and learning, and this takes time. Rushing through the change, you may miss some gifts along the way.
8. Finale. The work is done, the move is made, the deal is clinched, and you’re ready to roll. What happens sometimes, though, is that we’re so anxious to move on that we forget about celebration! Acknowledge what you’ve been through, congratulate yourself on your endurance, be grateful for what you’ve learned. You can do this as formally or informally as you like, but your mind will remember your marking the accomplishment, which will help motivate you for the next big remodeling!
9. Adjustment. You wanted this. You asked for it. So why isn’t it perfect? From something as simple as remembering which drawer you put the silverware in, to learning to navigate a whole new company culture, there’s still a period of adjustment as you settle into your new way of being. This stage also requires patience, but curiosity is helpful as well. Turn frustration into a game. How long will it take me to learn the ropes here? What new, interesting thing will happen today? Go easy on yourself and lighten up. You’re where you want to be!
10. Integration. You’ve arrived. Your remodel is comfortable, familiar, and feels like home. It has become a part of you. The best thing to do at this point is to experience the gratitude of setting your vision, enduring the transition, and reaching your goal!

So whether you’re remodeling an old room to fit the times, or updating a career to fit your current lifestyle, use these stages as a guide for helping you through the change while keeping your perspective (and your sanity).

What parts of your life might be in need of remodeling?

I had an inspired conversation recently with a friend about luck and opportunity. What came out of this conversation was a metaphor that, for me, describes how we create and attract wonderful things into our life.

It’s all about surfing. Imagine yourself as an expert surfer, paddling your custom board into the ocean, watching and waiting for the next big wave so you can stand up and feel the thrill as you ride it back to shore. If you think about it, life is a whole lot like this.

The ocean is a vast, tremendous source of power that surges in waves that swell, break, and recede in an endless cycle. Life does that too. Events and people come and go throughout our life. Some pass by without affecting us; others create opportunities that have great impact on us. Successful people consciously seek out and grab these opportunities, just as experienced surfers jump onto the best waves to ride.

Preparedness. Choosing your board, waxing its surface, checking your leash, knowing the terrain, watching the tidal charts, talking to other surfers. All these things help surfers get the most out of their next trip into the water. In much the same way, we have to understand our goals, know what we have, what we need, and how others can help us to capitalize on the opportunities that come our way.

Watchful patience. Surfers spend ninety percent of their time paddling, ten percent actually surfing. Paddling is like routine living, taking care of business every day. But while surfers are paddling, they’re always on the lookout for the next big wave. Their “everyday business” is about positioning themselves for new opportunities.

Attention to timing. Surfers with good timing are rewarded with the best waves. The best season, the best week, the best day, the best hour, the best…right now! They seem to intuitively know when and where to go. Watchful patience means going to the beach when the best waves are crashing, and knowing when it’s not worth the effort. Being sensitive to timing, for example, can mean the difference between a successful job change and a leap into unemployment.

Willingness to risk. Of course, what sets true surfers apart from most people is their ability to overcome a very natural aversion to drowning. Fortunately, most opportunities we encounter don’t involve extreme risk-taking, but tolerating our fear and acting in spite of it is necessary to take advantage of anything new. Of course, surfers do pick their beaches based on their skill set and tolerance for risk. Some surf the Delaware shore; others brave 20-footers off the coast of Hawaii. You can choose the size of your waves in your life but know that, big or small, you can probably handle more than you think you can.

Practiced balance. Successfully shifting from a kneeling to a standing position on a nine-foot board while 800,000 gallons of water crash all around you is no easy task. It requires balance and finesse, acquired from repeated practice gauging and adjusting for the ocean’s movement. In life, the “lucky” are those who strive to keep their life in balance. Healthy habits, positive thinking, nurturing relationships, a fulfilling career, and time to relax all contribute to a readiness for bigger things. It’s hard to catch a wave when you’re doing all you can just to stay afloat.

Weathering the wipeouts. You’re not really a surfer until you’ve wiped out, big time. Despite all preparedness, timing, balance, and practice, you’re going to end up in a wave you can’t control. Does that mean you’re a bad surfer and should give up? Certainly not. Do mishaps, mistakes, and miscalculations make you a bad person and you should give up? Again, no! Surfers assess what happened, make adjustments, and attribute the rest to the incredible power of the ocean. Try that line of thinking, and see how easy it becomes to get up, shake the sand from your shorts, and try again.

Cherishing the cycles. Surfing is about communing with the cyclic nature of the ocean, about catching and experiencing that next great wave. Every wave is different, each one requiring a new way of being on the board and in the water. But each one passes, requiring the surfer to release it and get ready for the next one. So when you set your goals and seize your opportunities, let go of the outcome and allow yourself to see the process as part of the thrill.

Think about how you see opportunities in your life. Do you let them pass you by, one after another? Or are you willing to paddle out past the surf, stand up on your board, and partner with the tremendous power of life? If so, what wave will you ride next?

I’m going to start this article with a brief visit back to high school physics. Wait! Before you run screaming in terror, bear with me.Newton’s First Law of Motion states that an object in motion will stay in motion and an object at rest will stay at rest unless acted on by an unbalanced force. This is often known as the Law of Inertia.

This law may not be particularly interesting in and of itself (unless you’re an avid pool player). What is interesting is that human behavior tends to work in exactly the same way.

For example, have you ever found yourself thinking a lot about something you’d like to do but find it nearly impossible to get into gear? Yet other times you’ll be working in a nice groove on an interesting project, and nothing but the most basic biological urges can make you stop what you’re doing?

In both cases, inertia’s at work. Simply put, it’s easy to stay moving, but hard to get started. This applies to things as small as cleaning out your closet, or as complex as looking for a new career.

For some people, overcoming inertia is no problem. For the rest of us-how do we get past our internal resistance to start endeavors we know will make us happier in the long run?

I’d like to say the answer is as straightforward as Newton’s law…but it’s not. The things that keep us from taking action are varied and complex, and can include:

• Fatigue, illness, or other suboptimal physical state
• Uncomfortable emotions
• Other things competing for our time and attention
• Doubt in our ability to succeed
• Anticipated level of difficulty, frustration, or tedium involved
• Bad prior experience doing the same or similar task
• Lack of resources available to help get the job done

However, it is possible to overcome your inertia and get moving. The key is to discover or create that “unbalanced force” that works best for you. And often it doesn’t take much. Here are some strategies you can try:

1. Give yourself an official start date. Write it on your calendar. Tell your friends. Make it known to yourself and everyone that you are committed to do this.

2. Don’t try to embark on a new project when you are sick, tired, or stressed. Don’t give up but rather focus on bringing back your health and balance, and commit to start when your “tank is full.”

3. Similarly, trying to make yourself do something when you are sad, angry, depressed, or scared may only bring you down further. Don’t beat yourself up. Just give yourself permission to start when you’re feeling more positive.

4. Get crystal clear on the benefits of your desired outcome, so that you visualize the rewards in much greater detail than the challenges surrounding the task. Pretend you’ve already reached your goal, then write a short story about it, including how it felt to be successful.

5. Think about what you already have at your disposal to get the job done. What knowledge or information do you have? Whom do you know who can help? What have you already done towards your goal?

6. Write down the steps to your goal. Sometimes our inertia comes from being unclear on exactly what it will take to get the job done. Breaking it down into smaller pieces can lift the weight that keeps you from starting.

7. Identify which steps in the process you know you’ll enjoy. Also figure out which ones you are dreading. Then ask for help, hire out, or otherwise delegate those tasks that may keep you from getting to the more desirable parts of the job.

8. If you are resisting because of some previous experience, ask yourself what you would do differently this time around. Focus on what’s unique about this situation and what you’ve learned that will now support your success.

9. Get a project partner. Someone who is willing to check in with you and vice versa as you both work on your goals.

10. See how your commitment to this goal will benefit others around you. Sometimes we’re more than willing to do things for others that we’re not willing to do for ourselves alone.

You may find that even one of these strategies is enough to break through your inertia, creating momentum that propels you towards your goal. Or you may have to try several in order to tap into that force that finally gets you off that chair and into your life.

So…what would you like to get started on today?

Wood. It’s a material so familiar we rarely give it any thought unless we actually do woodwork for a living or hobby. But wood is a fascinating substance. Natural, sturdy, resilient, absorbent, beautiful. Not unlike ourselves.

If you look closely at any piece of wood, you’ll see its personality in a unique grain pattern, like a fingerprint. Wood grain, like human personality, is an amalgam of that tree species’ growth pattern (like our own genes) and how it interacts with its environment over time (like our own life experiences).

The grain gives the wood beauty, strength, and character. We often choose a particular piece of wood furniture or sculpture solely on its pleasing grain pattern.

The funny thing is, while we select and treat wood to feature or highlight its grain, we so often deliberately cover up our own “grain.” It’s like taking a beautiful piece of wood and painting it.

How do we do this? By denying our true nature, our core values. By not being honest in our relationships. By letting important decisions be overly influenced by friends, fads, and fashions. All these behaviors are like sanding against our own grain.

For example, I’ve heard clients say, “I have a great job–respected company, power title, big salary, good benefits–yet I’m truly miserable. Why can’t I just appreciate what I have?” They assume that they need to change themselves, to conform to the job in order to be happy, instead of considering that the job might be going against their grain. It’s true that there will always be days when we’re happier with our job than other days, but if you consistently dread going to work, it’s time to check in with yourself.

We can cover up our true nature for a while but, as Dickens pointed out, the more we varnish ourselves up the more our grain will ultimately shine through. Unfortunately, the ensuing battle between covering up and expressing ourselves can leave us stressed, confused, burned out.

What’s the upside? By learning to go with your own grain, you regain time and energy spent trying to be something or someone you’re not. You are more productive, make better decisions, have more satisfying relationships, and carve a life that is uniquely yours and not dictated by others’ whims and wishes.

So what does it take to “go with your grain?” On the surface it seems like the most natural thing in the world. Unfortunately, we live in a society that seems to reward authentic expression in reality shows but often punishes it in reality. So, learning to express our true nature in real life takes both courage and patience. Here are some steps to get you started:

Know what really matters. Get clear about what’s important to you. Ask yourself what really matters in your life–what values, preferences, and desires you don’t want to live without. Is it Family? Money? Creativity? Spirituality? Independence? A Vacation Home in the Tropics?

Trust yourself. Don’t laugh, but once you come up with your list of core values, it’s very common to go back over it and decide why each one is wrong. A key step to showing up authentically is acknowledging and believing that what you want (assuming it doesn’t involve harming others) is perfectly OK.

Identify discrepancies. Now that you’re clearer about what’s most important, look around your life and see how it measures up. Is your job in alignment with who you are? Do the people you care about most know who you really are? Are you making a contribution where you’d like to? Are you having fun?

Pick a place to start. Identify one area where you can start showing up more authentically. It might be that you want to bring more of what you value into your job, or start looking for a job that aligns more fully with your values. It might be learning to express more of what you really want with your spouse or partner. It could be learning to say ‘no’ to people who don’t have your best interests in mind. Whatever you choose, go slowly. Trying to change too much at once is like putting a power sander to the grain. It will take off the varnish but may also leave a big dent!

Ask for help. As I mentioned, learning to go with your grain can take patience and courage. The road is much easier if you work with people who understand and appreciate your commitment to being the best you you can be. Ask close friends or family members to join you on an authenticity journey; join or create an authenticity support group; hire a coach; get spiritual guidance; network with like-minded people who can help you express yourself fully.

So…how do you want to show up in your life? All painted and varnished? Or displaying the natural beauty of your unique grain in everything you do?

What’s your first step to making that happen?

Is there something you’ve really wanted for a long time? A new career? A happier relationship? A bigger house? To make a difference in the world? These are examples of things you might have imagined are possible but aren’t within your grasp at the moment. So how do you get them? GRASP them!

You can look at any dream or vision as requiring five key factors to help make them come true: a Goal, Resources, Attitude, Support, and a Plan. Without any one of these things being in place, the likelihood of realizing your dream goes down.

Let’s look at each of these elements in detail.

Goal. This seems pretty obvious, but is your goal really a goal, or just a vague daydream? In other words, how well-defined is your vision? What kind of job do you want? What does “happier” mean to you, in practical terms? How big of a house and where? What specific difference would you like to make, and for whom? Keep asking these kinds of questions until you are crystal clear on the who’s, what’s, where’s, and when’s of your vision.

Resources. This is where you take inventory for your dream. What do you have at your disposal right now to make it come true? What skills, knowledge, talents, and abilities do you already possess that will help you succeed? What time, money, equipment, and materials do you have to make this easier? On the flipside, what do you need? What’s missing? Making a list of both your available and absent resources helps you use what you have and go after what’s missing.

Attitude. Our attitudes about what we can and can’t do are even more important than the resources we have to accomplish our goals. You can think about all the things that can go wrong; all the times you failed; all the things that stand in your way; all the reasons why now isn’t a good time. OR… You can choose to assume that no matter what, you will achieve your goal. One might argue that this attitude is “unrealistic.” But in fact a positive attitude greatly increases the odds that you will reach your goal. Focusing on possibilities instead than problems opens up creativity, opportunities, and willingness from other people to help you succeed.

Support. Speaking of people, the more support and encouragement you have, the more likely you are to reach your dream. Who can help you obtain the resources that you’re missing? Who will bolster you up when you get discouraged? Who do you want there with you to celebrate your success? We thrive more with support, dare more with encouragement, and do more with love. How can you enlist the support of others to help you achieve your goal?

Plan. And of course, you must create a plan. Something with a schedule, doable action items, clear milestones, and finite ways to measure your progress. This doesn’t have to be elaborate-it can be as simple as outlining the steps to your goal and marking the dates when you want to accomplish each task. Putting something down “on paper” makes it more concrete; having a plan puts your dream into three dimensions (four if you count the time it takes to complete it!).

So think for a moment about something you’ve been wanting for a long time. Walk through the GRASP model and ask yourself which factors come up short or missing. Make the commitment to yourself to define the goal, determine your resources, shift your attitude, solicit support, create a plan–then grasp your dreams!

I recently got to thinking about light and how many different ways we use it to our advantage. Diving headlamps, recessed canister lighting, surgical lasers, lighthouse beacons, Halloween black lights. Seems like there’s a special light for every possible use and occasion.

As intelligent beings, we “shine light” on the changes and challenges in our lives through our capacity to think logically, creatively, reflectively. But it’s easy to get into a fixed way of thinking, kind of like that all-purpose, 60-watt incandescent bulb. How we analyze situations, solve problems, and make decisions often follows a predictable pattern. This can work for us most of the time, just as that ol’ white light bulb meets most of our everyday household needs.

But wouldn’t it be more powerful, more illuminating, if we could select the perfect way of thinking to ideally suit each problem or decision point we encounter? After all, a doctor wouldn’t use a floodlight to remove a tumor, nor would a spelunker use a laser to find their way through a cave. Using light as a metaphor, let’s talk about a range of thinking styles and how to select the best approach for a given situation, using career transition as an example.

Candlelight. A way of thinking that is quiet, calm, introspective, meditative. Thinking like candlelight uses peace, intuition, and spirituality to access inner wisdom and insight for important decisions. You might use this kind of thinking to ask yourself important questions about your ideal career, your contribution to society, or your life’s purpose.

Flashlight. A flashlight is for searching, exploring, and illuminating. You can use flashlight thinking when you want to explore a problem or get more information. It’s a frame of mind that is inquisitive, open-minded, non-judgmental, and optimistic. Flashlight thinking is great for researching new career opportunities, investigating organizations of interest, or figuring out how to expand your skill set.

Floodlight. This bold light is used to illuminate a wide area and dispel the darkness. Use floodlight thinking to open up your horizons and drive out fear. It’s about being courageous and taking action, even when you feel scared. Floodlight thinking can be about believing in your own ability to find meaningful work or ask for that promotion. It’s about choosing to see opportunity where none existed before.

Ultraviolet/Infrared. This is light we can’t see, yet can feel its effects. It represents the Aha! moments in our lives, when something shifts and we suddenly see our situation differently. Sometimes these epiphanies take us by surprise; sometimes they’re a long time coming. It’s the moment of truth that says, “I don’t want to do this job anymore,” or “Hey, I could turn my hobby into a career!”

Prism. A prism isn’t a source of light, but rather a filter for seeing light differently. I liken it to our imagination, allowing playfulness and creativity to transform ordinary thoughts into a rainbow of possibilities. It’s inspired problem-solving, mind-mapping, brainstorming, playing with new ideas, letting yourself outside of your own box and seeing what happens. It’s imagining what you’d do for work if money were no object, or if you could call a “do-over” on your career.

Laser. A laser is powerful, concentrated light source that’s made for action. Laser thinking is precise, focused, and results-oriented. Use laser thinking to create S.M.A.R.T. goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Time-driven). It’s knowing where you want to go and developing a plan for how to get there. An example is deciding to update your résumé by a certain date, or apply for a specific job that sounds perfect for you.

So next time you have a problem you’re struggling with, ask yourself, “What kind of light am I shining on this situation?” Chances are you might benefit from changing the brightness, intensity or hue of your thoughts to come up with better solutions. And if your own light fails to illuminate, ask a friend to lend you theirs.

How do you handle life’s roadblocks? Do you say, “Oh boy! What a great challenge! I can’t wait to work my way through this particular problem…”? I’m guessing probably not. More likely your reaction is something along the lines of, “Oh *%&#!”

If so, don’t feel bad; you’re in good company.

I’ve known a few amazing people in my life who meet challenges in a naturally positive way. But I think most of us approach our troubles with a fight or flight mentality. Nevertheless, I truly believe that the ability to face and overcome obstacles is one of humankind’s greatest characteristics, and one that can be cultivated.

What it takes is the willingness to shift our relationship with our obstacles. To do this, I recommend a “Triple-A” approach:

1. Awareness
2. Attitude
3. Action

Awareness

This may sound obvious, but to change a behavior you first have to be aware of it. So much of our behavior is ingrained and unconscious, and we often defeat ourselves before we ever get started and not even realize it.

Once you’ve identified a problem in your life, it’s easy to get swept up in the strong emotions it triggers. This often just intensifies the problem and makes it harder to come up with solutions. To distance yourself from these emotions, try writing your problem out on paper in three steps. First list the facts; then list what the situation means to you; then list your feelings about it. For example:

1. One of your co-workers just got promoted. (FACT)
2. You wanted that job and believe you should have gotten it. It must be that your manager thinks you’re not good enough. (MEANING)
3. You’re angry, hurt, bewildered, resentful, envious. (FEELINGS)

In this case, it’s possible you don’t know all the reasons why the co-worker got the promotion, nor why you might have been passed over. Often we leap to conclusions without having enough information. Using these three steps helps us distinguish what’s really happening from what we might be making up. Ask yourself if your meaning is the truth, or if there’s something you’re missing, distorting, or just wishing were true.

If you are still overwhelmed, try writing down the problem:

• as if it happened five years ago. You may find that by framing your problem as a story, the ending (solution) naturally follows. “I didn’t get this promotion I wanted, so what I ended up doing was…”
• as though it were happening to someone else. “I know this person who was passed over for a promotion …” Also describe how they’re reacting to the situation. “They were really bent out of shape…”
• from the perspective of a wise guru, offering compassion and advice to someone else in this situation. “I know this feels awful now, but this is what you might do to turn this around…”

Attitude

Once you’ve put some emotional distance between you and your problem, you can gain more control over your attitude towards the situation, and begin to explore alternate interpretations or meanings. Here are some helpful questions to ask yourself:

What does this problem mean to me?

What’s the payoff for staying overwhelmed about this problem?

What frame of mind would help me get through this more easily?

What lessons might I learn from this situation?

What’s good about this?

As you come up with answers, you may find yourself looking at your problem in a completely different way, and naturally gravitating towards finding a solution.

Action

When you’ve shifted from problem mode to solution mode, you can now decide how to take action. Ask yourself:

What strengths do I bring to this situation?

What information do I need to resolve this problem?

When have I faced something like this before? What did I do in the past?

Where in this do I have control or influence?

What do I need to let go of?

Who can help me?

What’s my first step?

And know that you don’t have to (nor is it advisable to) do this all by yourself. In general the most resilient people are those who have a strong network of people to rely on when things get difficult. And when you enlist others to help you with problems, you are in effect saying, “You matter enough to me that I’m willing to be vulnerable with you.” This is a precious gift that strengthens relationships. So find people you trust-friends, family, colleagues, community members, or professionals-and ask them if they’d be willing to walk through these steps with you and be a compassionate sounding board as you face your problem.

So obstacles aren’t really obstacles; they’re what we make them to be. They can be brick walls that stop us in our tracks, or they can be isometric exercises that make us stronger, increase our stamina, and help us grow into our very best selves.

Think of a problem you’re currently facing. Apply the “Triple-A” approach, and see how your relationship with that problem changes. Embrace the illusion!

I’m skeptical when someone claims to be fearless–after all, it’s an integral part of being human. If we understand that fear’s true (albeit sometimes misguided) purpose is to keep us safe, we can actually use it to our advantage.

Unfortunately, it seems that instead of being taught to manage fear, we’re almost encouraged to operate from it–by our parents (with punishment), our teachers (with bad grades), our employers (with termination), government (with loss of freedom), the media (with crime and natural disasters), and the list goes on.

Fear can hijack your life by:

• dampening your motivation to grow or improve your situation
• jeopardizing personal and professional relationships
• making you hesitant to accept help
• forcing you to make excuses for your words and actions
• locking you into negative thought patterns and self-destructive behaviors
• imprisoning you in a dead-end job, a bad marriage, even your own home.

However, I believe we can learn to choose how we experience fear, and in doing so open ourselves up to a whole new set of options. When you get right down to it, our emotions are just energy. We can either let that energy overwhelm us, or we can harness and drive it in a more positive direction.

Here are a few ways you can reframe your fear.

Recognize fear for what it is. Perceived fear is a physical sensation. And unless you’re in the direct path of a large speeding object or a person with malicious intent, you have the luxury of just feeling that fear for a few minutes. Sit quietly, close your eyes, and concentrate on where you feel fear in your body. Now, imagine breathing through those affected areas. Notice how the sensations change. You’ll soon realize that fear is physical and transient, something that you can control and release.

Get rational. Turn on your “left” brain and see your fear as a puzzle to be solved. Ask questions like: Who taught me to be fearful about this? Which parts of this fear are rational, and which are ridiculous? When did I start being afraid? Where does this show up for me? What would happen if I chose to feel differently about this? Disarm your fear with some compassionate interrogation.

Do some biased research. You can always find plenty of evidence to support your fears. Instead, avoid the path of least resistance and look for facts and statistics that refute your fears. When you look for evidence to the contrary, not only will you find it, but you may also find you’ve changed your whole outlook in the process.

Model yourself after the best. Talk to or read about someone who’s faced a similar situation. Recognize that in each of us is the ability to overcome great obstacles. Sometimes all it takes is feeling inspired by others to see it in ourselves.

Air them out. Fears rattle around in our head like nuts and bolts in a clothes dryer. Drawing fears out into the air or in writing strips them of their power, somehow. Find a trusted friend to talk with, or simply write them down. Watch them magically shrink before your very eyes!

Have a “higher self” dialogue. Once you’ve exposed your fears, talk back to them. Pretend you are a very old, very wise person, and respond to each specific fear in a calm, assured, comforting way–verbally or in writing. You’ll be amazed at your own wisdom, and soon realize you’re also free to act on that wisdom.

Trust your own sources. It’s likely that you inherited many fears early on, from adults, influential peers, teachers, or other “trusted” sources. Ask yourself how much of your fear is based on your own experience. What part of it is “Mom always said…,” or “It happened to my cousin once…,” or “CNN reported…”? Once you understand the source, give yourself permission to let go of any fear you accidentally picked up from someone else.

Break it down gently. If fear keeps you from achieving a goal, a phobia treatment called systematic desensitization can help get you back in gear. First break your goal into small, doable increments. Then visualize each step, and imagine taking action and getting a great result. As your fear rises, use deep breathing or other relaxation techniques to dissipate any uncomfortable feelings. Then take that step, managing your anxiety with relaxation as you go. You’ll soon be able to control your fear response, stay in action, and reach your goal. This approach is reinforcing, because taking action is one of fear’s most powerful antidotes!

When you change your knee-jerk reaction to fear into a thoughtful response, you take away its power to control your life. So next time you find yourself resisting, suppressing, avoiding, or fighting something you’re afraid of, take a closer look and try to understand the fear. Remember, “know fear” leads to “no fear!”

When I hear people talk about their New Year’s resolutions I get the impression they’re really talking about New Year’s hopes. As in, “I hope this new day of a new month of a new year will create enough magic to help me lose weight, save money, change jobs, etc.” We know how that magic usually pans out.

I think the problem stems from how we approach resolution. What images arise for you with that word? I think of conviction, strength, discipline, sacrifice. Powerful ideas all of them, but ones that are hard to live up to every day.

So is there a better way to make resolutions that stick?

I think there is. First, let’s consider the word itself. Resolution originated in the early 1400s from Latin roots meaning “breaking into parts,” “reducing things into simpler forms,” and “loosening.” Using these definitions, we can approach positive change in a whole new way.

Breaking into parts. We often attempt a major personal change without getting clear on all the necessary elements–namely our thoughts, feelings, and ability to take action. Unless these three areas are in alignment, chances are you’ll fall short of your goal. For instance, if you’re mentally and emotionally committed to your goal but don’t take consistent action, you’ll never move forward. Or, if you’re mentally prepared and willing to take action but aren’t emotionally engaged, you’ll get stuck in “neutral.” Finally, if you’re emotionally committed and willing to take action but haven’t thought your goal through, you’ll likely end up someplace other than where you want to be.

So how do you get your thoughts, feelings, and actions in alignment?

1. Think about your goal in great detail: what it looks like, why you want it, when it will happen, how you will go about it. Make it vividly real to you.
2. Feel the success. Take the mental picture you created, and add all the emotions you want to feel about it. Confidence? Joy? Pride? Giddiness? Visualize your success until you actually feel those emotions, right now.
3. Act on a plan that engages your thoughts and your feelings. When you feel unclear or unmotivated, stop and go back to the mental image and emotional state you created around your goal. If you truly connect to your goal with your mind and heart, taking action becomes much easier.

Reducing things into simpler forms. Our resolutions are often things of grandeur, ringing loud and clear for all the world to hear. Sometimes that proclamation alone is enough to keep us on track, but more often than not it’s like strapping a jet engine to a scooter. Too much thrust, not enough control.

Try making the whole thing simpler, more specific, and more manageable. Instead of a grandiose resolution to get completely out of debt this year, look just a week ahead. What’s realistic? “I’ll cook one more meal at home, buy one less latte, put $5 in a cookie jar.” The easier the action, the less likely your inner adolescent will kick in and say, “Don’t tell me what to do!” Keep setting your sights smaller and smaller until you find yourself consistently doing the things you set out to do.

Loosening. This third approach implies that, ironically, giving ourselves enough slack actually helps us move towards our goal. Say you’ve aligned your mind, heart, and body to finding your dream job, and have broken down your plan into small daily tasks, like arranging an informational interview, researching an interesting company, or tailoring your resume.

But one morning you wake up and find yourself doing everything but your plan. At this point you can 1) beat yourself up for being a lazy loser; 2) try to get your old boring job back; or 3) say to yourself, “I’m just not up to calling people or doing research today. However, I know I can read just one chapter in that book on interview skills…” Loosen up and know that your energy, motivation, and abilities naturally vary from day to day. The trick is to ask yourself “What can I do today?” Instead of giving up, do whatever you are able to do that day, however small. Give yourself credit for always moving forward, even if it’s an inch. Being kind to yourself today may be exactly what you need to get back on track tomorrow.

Putting it all together, think about what dream you want to fulfill in the year ahead. Something your mind, heart, and body can all agree on. Something you can break down into small, simple steps. Something that allows you the freedom to do better some days than others.

Have a safe and happy New Year, and may your resolutions become reality!

We’re closing in on what should be a favorite time of the year, what with days off work, bountiful feasts, sanctioned shopping sprees, and the festive gathering of family and friends.

In reality, many people I talk to dread the holidays. Days off work lead to overflowing in-boxes later on. Bountiful feasts result in frantic diet resolutions on January 1. Shopping sprees end up on bloated credit card statements next month. And gatherings lead to bending over backwards to make sure everything is perfect, and reluctantly entertaining relatives whose faces you’d rather see on milk cartons than in your own home.

Holidays can be wonderful, special times when we take the opportunity to tell people how much they mean to us, while sharing fun times and exchanging gifts. I believe what causes all that stress and panic is that we rarely stop to give gifts to those most deserving: ourselves.

Throughout the year we spend a lot of time taking care of other people. We defer our own needs, telling ourselves we’ll see that movie or play that game of golf or visit that spa as soon as we get a little extra time. Tell the truth now: how often does that “little extra time” show up? And if it does, how often do you actually do something fun with it?

So, what better time than the end of the year to take a look at how much you’ve accomplished. We make New Year’s Resolutions; why not Old Year Congratulations? Make a list of all the wonderful things you’ve done for others this past year, then give yourself gifts you’ve been deferring. Here are some ideas of what you can give yourself over the holidays:

Don’t accept every invitation you get. It’s tempting to go to every office party, every social gathering, every holiday event this time of year. Instead of running yourself ragged, pick a handful you think you’ll enjoy the most, and do them up in style!

Budget in quiet time. As challenging as this may sound, scheduling a 30- or 60-minute block of time for yourself, even once a week, may be the best gift you could ever give yourself. Read, nap, work on a hobby, listen to music. Rejuvenate yourself and notice how much more energy you’ll have for others afterwards.

Skip the malls. Send out cards early, with a note telling everyone that you’re skipping gifts this year (except perhaps for the kids) and instead donating the money to hurricane victims. You’ll feel less stressed and know you’re doing a good thing. You may even inspire others to do the same.

Surround yourself with favorite people. Set aside quality time to spend with your most treasured people in the world. If those people live far away, schedule an hour to talk with them on the phone. Make the time to tell the people you love how much you love them.

Cancel a holiday. I’ve already heard that a few of my friends have “cancelled” a holiday this year. Instead of running around shopping and decorating and cooking and pleasing everyone, they said, “No go. I’m spending this day with just my husband/partner/kids/friends/nobody. I’m going to the movies. I’m taking a nap.” The world isn’t going to end if you choose not to partake just this once.

Ask for what you want. Instead of doing it all yourself, or assuming you have to, speak up and enlist support. Make all your gatherings potlucks; ask for help with shopping or decorating or cleaning; spend a little less on gifts and hire out the tasks you detest-if just this once.

Do something completely different. Sometimes holiday stress is compounded by the sheer boredom of doing the same old thing, year after year. Shake things up, do something unusual-see a new show, invite different people over, decorate the house in a creative way, volunteer somewhere special, let someone else host the dinner. Break tradition and see what happens. You might find something so enjoyable it becomes a new tradition!

You know how when someone gives you a gift, it doesn’t have to be big or expensive to mean the world to you? It’s the same with giving a gift to yourself. Recount your year’s accomplishments and lavish yourself with a little extra time, space, or energy-you may be surprised to find that this year you’ve had the happiest holidays ever.