“We have too many high sounding words, and too few actions that correspond with them.” ~ Abigail Adams

Why is it that you are instantly comfortable with some people you meet, while others you thoroughly distrust? We each have an innate ethic-o-meter that tells us whether someone’s words, body language, and actions all line up.

Sadly, some “radars” aren’t turned up as high as others, leaving them vulnerable to messages of questionable intent.

Ultimately, we all want to be liked and trusted, and being ethical when you communicate fosters warmth and believability with your audience. This includes:
•    Making sure your actions are in agreement with what you say
•    Always telling the truth as you know it
•    Being consistent in who you are and what you say over time
•    Respecting other people’s viewpoints and opinions.

What You Say is What They Get

The most heinous scandals often involve people who behave in a way that contradicts what they stand for. Religious leaders having adulterous affairs; elected officials misappropriating campaign funds; world-class athletes fixing competitions. In fact, the more visible a person is, the louder the public outcry when their behavior belies their words.

But being true to your word is important at any level of fame or fortune. It is the foundation of trust in all your relationships, and broken trust is so very to earn back. So ask yourself:
•    Is what I’m saying consistent with what I truly believe?
•    If I tell people I will do something, am I confident I will keep my word?
•    When no one’s watching, do I actually do the things I tell people I do?

If your words don’t “ring true” to you, neither will they to your audience. Either rethink your message, or revisit the commitment behind your words.

Honesty Really is the Best Policy

Closely related to alignment is honesty. Not being fully truthful takes away your audience’s ability to make well-informed decisions. Not that you would ever out-and-out lie to your listeners or readers, but there are subtle ways of being dishonest that affect your credibility, such as:
•    Saying something because it sounds good even if you don’t totally buy into your message
•    Omitting or distorting information because you’re afraid people won’t like what you have to say
•    Misleading your audience with statistics, credentials, or emotions to look good or accomplish personal goals.

Well intended or not, being dishonest dilutes your effectiveness because the truth will eventually come out – in your body language, by someone else ‘catching’ you; or through inconsistencies in your message.

Don’t Be a Chameleon

Being able to predict human behavior helps people feel safe. So when people hear inconsistencies in someone’s words, an inner alarm goes off. Think about politicians who switch positions on an issue during a campaign, and how public distrust reflects in the polls. Your message may become inconsistent if you:
•    are not sure what your message really is
•    are trying to please everyone all the time
•    change your basic message to suit different groups
•    don’t really buy into your position in the first place.

It’s best to choose your position and the ideal target audience who benefits most from what you have to say. This doesn’t mean that your message won’t evolve over time. What remains the same, however, are your own core values and the alignment between your actions and your words.

I’m OK, You’re OK

Finally, being ethical means accepting that not everyone thinks like you do. Speaking your truth even when others disagree isn’t easy to do, but it does garner respect and trust from your audience. This also means avoiding bigotry or ethnic slurs; insults and slander; unsolicited judgment or criticism; and sarcasm or teasing that belittles or shames another person. You are a powerful communicator when you stay true to your own course, letting others’ opinions and emotions be about their “stuff,” not yours.

So think about a message you’re working on right now. Check in that your actions align with your words; that you are telling the truth to yourself and others; that it’s consistent with earlier messages; and that your message respects those who receive it. When you build your message on a solid ethical foundation, you give your voice unshakable power and appeal!

“When words & manners leave you no space for yourself
make
very personal
very clear
& your obstructions will join you or disappear.”  ~ Ntozake Shange

There are two basic parts to all communication: 1) content and 2)
relationship. What this means is every single thing you say or write has
the power to both inform and affect your relationship with the recipient.
Expert speakers and writers are keenly aware of this and use it to their
benefit. To communicate with appeal, you must create a personal connection
with your audience. There are several ways to do this:

- Build common ground
- Give them what they want
- Be a real person
- Continue the relationship

BUILD COMMON GROUND
A basic tenet of psychology is that we like people who are like us. Think
about a conversation you’ve had with someone you just met. What were you
doing beneath the small talk? Discovering things you have in common. Recall
your delight when you found out you both grew up in the same city, or that
your kids go to the same school. Sharing common experiences helps us
predict a person’s values, thoughts, and behavior, making it safe to get
closer to them.

The back-and-forth nature of conversation makes it relatively easy to
build common ground. But if you’re giving a speech or writing an article,
you may need to do some research first to determine what you have in common
with your readers or listeners. Look for elements such as geography,
education, training, skills, abilities, organizations, relationships or
specialized language (jargon). Take care, however, to never misrepresent
yourself or your affiliations merely to “get in good” with your
audience.

And don’t forget about non-verbal communication. Apparel, appearance,
and actions all point to whether or not you’re a member of your
audience’s “club.” Matching your style and energy to your audience
helps emphasize your similarities rather than your differences.

GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT
Face it, it’s all about me. And, it’s all about you. We are each the
center of our own universe; for your message to reach someone you have to
take that into consideration. You may have specific goals for speaking or
writing, but remember that your audience has their own goals for listening
to or reading your words. So make sure your message addresses what they
need. Do they want information, inspiration, or entertainment? The more
closely your goals match theirs, the easier it is to capture their
attention. Even when your agenda is different from theirs or the news is
bad, keep their interests in mind (How will this affect me? What do I do
now?) and they will be more open to yours.

BE A REAL PERSON
Just like Geppetto, who long dreamed that his Pinnochio would someday
become a real boy, your audience wants you to be a real person, not a
wooden doll. You can be the premier expert in your field, but if people
can’t connect with you as a human being, you will eventually lose them.

It’s easy to get caught up in trying to impress people and look good –
but so often the more you try the less you succeed! The antidote? Be
yourself. Share your stories. Express your feelings. I used to work for a
technical services firm, and even in the driest sales presentations,
clients were most impressed by engineers who smiled and were genuinely
excited about the work they did.

CONTINUE THE RELATIONSHIP
Relationships are built over time. Yet so often a person will write one
article and wait for clients to call, give a single presentation and look
for the contract, or send out a resumé and expect a job offer! It takes
time for people to know you, like you, and trust you, so the most effective
communicators make sure they interact with their audiences again and again.
Schedule a follow-up meeting at the end of a sales presentation; raffle off
a free consultation after an association talk; invite people to subscribe
to your newsletter at a networking event; include your Website, email
and/or phone number in your article byline.

So next time you speak, write, or mix and mingle—focus on building common
ground, incorporating your audience’s goals, putting yourself into your message,
and creating a way to continue the relationship. That old saying “Familiarity
breeds contempt” doesn’t apply at all in effective communication. Rather,
familiarity breeds comfort and eagerness to communicate with you again!

Recently my husband and I watched “Les Triplettes de Belleville” on TV, a very quirky animated movie about an eccentric grandmother who rescues her kidnapped cyclist grandson with the help of three former vaudeville triplets. We had seen it in the theater in 2003, but I remembered almost nothing about the movie; I had only the vaguest memories of the setting, plot, and characters. Seeing it again, much of it was unfamiliar. Considering there are movies I saw decades ago where I can still recall many scenes line for line, I found this a bit distressing.

Interestingly, my husband pointed out to me that this movie is completely without dialogue. Everything’s communicated through gestures, expressions, scenery, sound effects, and action. And it dawned on me that, for me, recalling a movie like this is much like remembering what happened before age 2-1/2 or 3, when I didn’t have much language to speak of (literally).

I’ve always been pretty verbal, but the fact that language is so tied into my memory was a revelation. You’ve probably heard about how some people are visual, some auditory, and some kinesthetic (tactile) in the way they process information — it’s a fundamental principle of neurolinguistic programming (NLP). Realizing how much the delivery of a message relates to memory and recall gave me a new appreciation for understanding the way my clients think. If I communicate information in a way that’s easy for them to grasp, not only will they “get” my message in the moment, but they are more likely to retain that message over time. And this is critical in building long-term relationships with clients, and providing services that people might not want right now, but may need sometime in the future.

As for me, the next time I watch a movie without dialogue, I think I just might take some notes…