We’re closing in on what should be a favorite time of the year, what with days off work, bountiful feasts, sanctioned shopping sprees, and the festive gathering of family and friends.

In reality, many people I talk to dread the holidays. Days off work lead to overflowing in-boxes later on. Bountiful feasts result in frantic diet resolutions on January 1. Shopping sprees end up on bloated credit card statements next month. And gatherings lead to bending over backwards to make sure everything is perfect, and reluctantly entertaining relatives whose faces you’d rather see on milk cartons than in your own home.

Holidays can be wonderful, special times when we take the opportunity to tell people how much they mean to us, while sharing fun times and exchanging gifts. I believe what causes all that stress and panic is that we rarely stop to give gifts to those most deserving: ourselves.

Throughout the year we spend a lot of time taking care of other people. We defer our own needs, telling ourselves we’ll see that movie or play that game of golf or visit that spa as soon as we get a little extra time. Tell the truth now: how often does that “little extra time” show up? And if it does, how often do you actually do something fun with it?

So, what better time than the end of the year to take a look at how much you’ve accomplished. We make New Year’s Resolutions; why not Old Year Congratulations? Make a list of all the wonderful things you’ve done for others this past year, then give yourself gifts you’ve been deferring. Here are some ideas of what you can give yourself over the holidays:

Don’t accept every invitation you get. It’s tempting to go to every office party, every social gathering, every holiday event this time of year. Instead of running yourself ragged, pick a handful you think you’ll enjoy the most, and do them up in style!

Budget in quiet time. As challenging as this may sound, scheduling a 30- or 60-minute block of time for yourself, even once a week, may be the best gift you could ever give yourself. Read, nap, work on a hobby, listen to music. Rejuvenate yourself and notice how much more energy you’ll have for others afterwards.

Skip the malls. Send out cards early, with a note telling everyone that you’re skipping gifts this year (except perhaps for the kids) and instead donating the money to hurricane victims. You’ll feel less stressed and know you’re doing a good thing. You may even inspire others to do the same.

Surround yourself with favorite people. Set aside quality time to spend with your most treasured people in the world. If those people live far away, schedule an hour to talk with them on the phone. Make the time to tell the people you love how much you love them.

Cancel a holiday. I’ve already heard that a few of my friends have “cancelled” a holiday this year. Instead of running around shopping and decorating and cooking and pleasing everyone, they said, “No go. I’m spending this day with just my husband/partner/kids/friends/nobody. I’m going to the movies. I’m taking a nap.” The world isn’t going to end if you choose not to partake just this once.

Ask for what you want. Instead of doing it all yourself, or assuming you have to, speak up and enlist support. Make all your gatherings potlucks; ask for help with shopping or decorating or cleaning; spend a little less on gifts and hire out the tasks you detest-if just this once.

Do something completely different. Sometimes holiday stress is compounded by the sheer boredom of doing the same old thing, year after year. Shake things up, do something unusual-see a new show, invite different people over, decorate the house in a creative way, volunteer somewhere special, let someone else host the dinner. Break tradition and see what happens. You might find something so enjoyable it becomes a new tradition!

You know how when someone gives you a gift, it doesn’t have to be big or expensive to mean the world to you? It’s the same with giving a gift to yourself. Recount your year’s accomplishments and lavish yourself with a little extra time, space, or energy-you may be surprised to find that this year you’ve had the happiest holidays ever.

As I write this, little trick-or-treaters all over are dressing up as witches, ghosts, cowboys, and princesses, eager to impress their neighbors and ask for treats. It’s fun to dress up, try on a different personality, and show up as somebody else once a year.

But sadly, many of us go “trick-or-treating” every day. We cover up our true selves with a mask, become what we think others might want or need from us, and hope that what we’ve come up with is acceptable, likeable, and worthy of praise.

Pretty good trick if you can pull it off. And most of us can, at least for a while. Some do what others tell them to do, others act happy when they’re really not, still others pretend to enjoy activities that others do in order to fit in.

Obviously all these things are necessary from time to time: they help us stay married, keep our jobs, and maintain our friendships. But the danger lies in consistently compromising what we think, say, or do because we’re afraid people won’t understand, like, or approve of us. We don’t often realize the price we pay for not being authentically ourselves:

• Trying to be someone or do something that goes against our real nature generates physical and mental stress
• We wind up “relating” to people who seem like us, and miss out on meaningful connections with those who are like us
• Other people are in control of our happiness and self-respect
• We start to believe the façade we’ve put on, and lose out on the joy of expressing our unique talents and personality.

Sometimes being someone we’re not becomes a lifelong habit. It takes awareness, courage, and diligence to doff the mask and show the world who we really are. But how do we know who we really are? What do we look like without the mask on? Here are a few indicators:

1. We tell the truth about what we think, feel, and believe–while still respecting others’ thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.
2. We set clear boundaries for ourselves defining what we are willing and not willing to do for (or with) others, and communicate those boundaries.
3. We take ownership of our own feelings, without laying blame on someone else for making us feel that way.
4. We recognize what’s special about being us, and find ways to express that as often as possible.
5. We seek out and nurture the company of people who make us feel good about ourselves, who encourage us, who bring out our best.
6. We learn to recognize what makes us feel alive and full of passion, and bring more of those things into our life.

Conversely, if we listen carefully, our bodies and emotions tell us when things are out of alignment. It might be an uncomfortable feeling in our stomach, a hesitation in our voice, an unexplained sadness, or a sense of detachment from our own lives.

The good news is, if we consciously focus on feeling alive and tapping into our genuine selves, we attract more people like us, and create more meaningful and joyful experiences. That doesn’t mean that life gets any easier or that all stress suddenly evaporates. What it does mean is that some unnecessary stress goes away when we show up in our own life without pretending to be or have or do something we’re not.

So, take a first step. Get up tomorrow morning and consciously notice those times when your thoughts, words, or actions don’t exactly align with what you feel inside. Also notice when you’re really enjoying yourself, being productive, and “in the flow,” seemingly without effort. The latter points to the genuine you, and with time and practice you’ll find that the only way you’ll want to be is without a mask.

Except once a year. On Halloween.