Wood. It’s a material so familiar we rarely give it any thought unless we actually do woodwork for a living or hobby. But wood is a fascinating substance. Natural, sturdy, resilient, absorbent, beautiful. Not unlike ourselves.

If you look closely at any piece of wood, you’ll see its personality in a unique grain pattern, like a fingerprint. Wood grain, like human personality, is an amalgam of that tree species’ growth pattern (like our own genes) and how it interacts with its environment over time (like our own life experiences).

The grain gives the wood beauty, strength, and character. We often choose a particular piece of wood furniture or sculpture solely on its pleasing grain pattern.

The funny thing is, while we select and treat wood to feature or highlight its grain, we so often deliberately cover up our own “grain.” It’s like taking a beautiful piece of wood and painting it.

How do we do this? By denying our true nature, our core values. By not being honest in our relationships. By letting important decisions be overly influenced by friends, fads, and fashions. All these behaviors are like sanding against our own grain.

For example, I’ve heard clients say, “I have a great job–respected company, power title, big salary, good benefits–yet I’m truly miserable. Why can’t I just appreciate what I have?” They assume that they need to change themselves, to conform to the job in order to be happy, instead of considering that the job might be going against their grain. It’s true that there will always be days when we’re happier with our job than other days, but if you consistently dread going to work, it’s time to check in with yourself.

We can cover up our true nature for a while but, as Dickens pointed out, the more we varnish ourselves up the more our grain will ultimately shine through. Unfortunately, the ensuing battle between covering up and expressing ourselves can leave us stressed, confused, burned out.

What’s the upside? By learning to go with your own grain, you regain time and energy spent trying to be something or someone you’re not. You are more productive, make better decisions, have more satisfying relationships, and carve a life that is uniquely yours and not dictated by others’ whims and wishes.

So what does it take to “go with your grain?” On the surface it seems like the most natural thing in the world. Unfortunately, we live in a society that seems to reward authentic expression in reality shows but often punishes it in reality. So, learning to express our true nature in real life takes both courage and patience. Here are some steps to get you started:

Know what really matters. Get clear about what’s important to you. Ask yourself what really matters in your life–what values, preferences, and desires you don’t want to live without. Is it Family? Money? Creativity? Spirituality? Independence? A Vacation Home in the Tropics?

Trust yourself. Don’t laugh, but once you come up with your list of core values, it’s very common to go back over it and decide why each one is wrong. A key step to showing up authentically is acknowledging and believing that what you want (assuming it doesn’t involve harming others) is perfectly OK.

Identify discrepancies. Now that you’re clearer about what’s most important, look around your life and see how it measures up. Is your job in alignment with who you are? Do the people you care about most know who you really are? Are you making a contribution where you’d like to? Are you having fun?

Pick a place to start. Identify one area where you can start showing up more authentically. It might be that you want to bring more of what you value into your job, or start looking for a job that aligns more fully with your values. It might be learning to express more of what you really want with your spouse or partner. It could be learning to say ‘no’ to people who don’t have your best interests in mind. Whatever you choose, go slowly. Trying to change too much at once is like putting a power sander to the grain. It will take off the varnish but may also leave a big dent!

Ask for help. As I mentioned, learning to go with your grain can take patience and courage. The road is much easier if you work with people who understand and appreciate your commitment to being the best you you can be. Ask close friends or family members to join you on an authenticity journey; join or create an authenticity support group; hire a coach; get spiritual guidance; network with like-minded people who can help you express yourself fully.

So…how do you want to show up in your life? All painted and varnished? Or displaying the natural beauty of your unique grain in everything you do?

What’s your first step to making that happen?

As I write this, little trick-or-treaters all over are dressing up as witches, ghosts, cowboys, and princesses, eager to impress their neighbors and ask for treats. It’s fun to dress up, try on a different personality, and show up as somebody else once a year.

But sadly, many of us go “trick-or-treating” every day. We cover up our true selves with a mask, become what we think others might want or need from us, and hope that what we’ve come up with is acceptable, likeable, and worthy of praise.

Pretty good trick if you can pull it off. And most of us can, at least for a while. Some do what others tell them to do, others act happy when they’re really not, still others pretend to enjoy activities that others do in order to fit in.

Obviously all these things are necessary from time to time: they help us stay married, keep our jobs, and maintain our friendships. But the danger lies in consistently compromising what we think, say, or do because we’re afraid people won’t understand, like, or approve of us. We don’t often realize the price we pay for not being authentically ourselves:

• Trying to be someone or do something that goes against our real nature generates physical and mental stress
• We wind up “relating” to people who seem like us, and miss out on meaningful connections with those who are like us
• Other people are in control of our happiness and self-respect
• We start to believe the façade we’ve put on, and lose out on the joy of expressing our unique talents and personality.

Sometimes being someone we’re not becomes a lifelong habit. It takes awareness, courage, and diligence to doff the mask and show the world who we really are. But how do we know who we really are? What do we look like without the mask on? Here are a few indicators:

1. We tell the truth about what we think, feel, and believe–while still respecting others’ thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.
2. We set clear boundaries for ourselves defining what we are willing and not willing to do for (or with) others, and communicate those boundaries.
3. We take ownership of our own feelings, without laying blame on someone else for making us feel that way.
4. We recognize what’s special about being us, and find ways to express that as often as possible.
5. We seek out and nurture the company of people who make us feel good about ourselves, who encourage us, who bring out our best.
6. We learn to recognize what makes us feel alive and full of passion, and bring more of those things into our life.

Conversely, if we listen carefully, our bodies and emotions tell us when things are out of alignment. It might be an uncomfortable feeling in our stomach, a hesitation in our voice, an unexplained sadness, or a sense of detachment from our own lives.

The good news is, if we consciously focus on feeling alive and tapping into our genuine selves, we attract more people like us, and create more meaningful and joyful experiences. That doesn’t mean that life gets any easier or that all stress suddenly evaporates. What it does mean is that some unnecessary stress goes away when we show up in our own life without pretending to be or have or do something we’re not.

So, take a first step. Get up tomorrow morning and consciously notice those times when your thoughts, words, or actions don’t exactly align with what you feel inside. Also notice when you’re really enjoying yourself, being productive, and “in the flow,” seemingly without effort. The latter points to the genuine you, and with time and practice you’ll find that the only way you’ll want to be is without a mask.

Except once a year. On Halloween.