“Be yourself. No one can ever tell you you’re doing it wrong.”  ~ Anonymous

 It seems strange to talk about being “authentic.” What could be more natural than being yourself? But it’s harder than you think. Who are you to your clients, your boss, your spouse or partner, your children, your friends, your banker? Are you the same way with all of them? Of course not. So how do you know you’re being your true self when  communicating?

Even as you adapt your speaking and writing style to fit the relationship and the environment, there are some basic principles that help you show up authentically each time:

1.    Use your own words. I’m amazed when clients ask if it’s OK to reprint someone else’s article in their newsletter. To which I respond: why promote someone else’s voice? No one can express things the same way you can. You are unique and will attract your ideal clients (or jobs or relationships) when you say things in your own words. While some people are naturally better communicators than others, far too many would-be writers and speakers have been thwarted early on by an overzealous teacher with a red pen.

To break through this, take a blank piece of paper and a pen (or a digital recorder) and just start putting down whatever’s on your mind! See and hear your own thoughts, without editing or judging, and you’ll be surprised that you know more (and sound better) than you think you do!

2.    Let your personality shine. I once worked for an engineering and construction firm—a field not known for creativity and personal expression. Yet there I met some of the most vibrant, colorful, outspoken professionals imaginable. They were the people who got promoted, won the contracts, and shaped the culture. While the company employed thousands of competent and talented people, those who stood out were able to communicate their expertise in a memorable way.

So take a risk and be willing to let your personality, sense of humor, and unique experiences color your communication, and see how it changes your interactions for the better!

3.    Be specific and clear. One of the hardest things about communicating is getting your meaning across clearly and succinctly. Some of this is skill, but a lot is letting go of words you think you should be using because it’s the norm, or your industry’s jargon, or it sounds good even if the meaning is vague. These habits are also a way to hide your personality. People hesitant to communicate authentically often resort to:

Passive language — “The task was completed to satisfaction” instead of “You did a great job!” Use words that directly connect to someone, person to person. Build this habit and you’ll find people responding more positively to you, and completing even more tasks to your satisfaction!

Avoiding the word “I” — Have you ever heard someone say something like “You know, when you’re trying to get to work on time but someone cuts you off and you get really mad and it ruins your whole day?” When what they really mean is, “Someone cut me off in traffic this morning and I’m in a bad mood!” Own your thoughts, own your experiences. After all, they’re the only things that are truly, uniquely yours.

Abstract concepts or generalities — It’s tempting to talk in generalities, especially when your message has emotional content. So a person might say “Sometimes relationships can be challenging when things aren’t communicated clearly,” instead of “I don’t understand what you want. Please tell me what you need.” Speaking or writing directly may not always be easy, but it will let people know where you stand, save you time, and spare everyone confusion.

4.    Be a storyteller. Whether you’re imparting knowledge, motivating action, or simply entertaining, don’t underestimate the power of the story, particularly if it’s your own. Use examples, case studies, anecdotes, cautionary tales. Stories help you build rapport, make your points easier to remember, and create an emotional connection with your audience that inspires them to action.

5.    Show all your sides. Take a risk and be a bit vulnerable with your audience. People may admire heroes, but they genuinely like people who come across as human. This doesn’t mean you have to admit every mistake or air your dirty laundry, but appropriately sharing challenges and lessons learned; using self-deprecating humor, and relating emotions and beliefs help your listeners and readers connect with you.

So the next time you sit down to write, get up and talk, or just stand around chatting with someone, think to yourself: How do I want to come across? Do my words reflect who I really am? I challenge you to take a risk and put more of yourself in your message, and notice how people become more into you!

“We have too many high sounding words, and too few actions that correspond with them.” ~ Abigail Adams

Why is it that you are instantly comfortable with some people you meet, while others you thoroughly distrust? We each have an innate ethic-o-meter that tells us whether someone’s words, body language, and actions all line up.

Sadly, some “radars” aren’t turned up as high as others, leaving them vulnerable to messages of questionable intent.

Ultimately, we all want to be liked and trusted, and being ethical when you communicate fosters warmth and believability with your audience. This includes:
•    Making sure your actions are in agreement with what you say
•    Always telling the truth as you know it
•    Being consistent in who you are and what you say over time
•    Respecting other people’s viewpoints and opinions.

What You Say is What They Get

The most heinous scandals often involve people who behave in a way that contradicts what they stand for. Religious leaders having adulterous affairs; elected officials misappropriating campaign funds; world-class athletes fixing competitions. In fact, the more visible a person is, the louder the public outcry when their behavior belies their words.

But being true to your word is important at any level of fame or fortune. It is the foundation of trust in all your relationships, and broken trust is so very to earn back. So ask yourself:
•    Is what I’m saying consistent with what I truly believe?
•    If I tell people I will do something, am I confident I will keep my word?
•    When no one’s watching, do I actually do the things I tell people I do?

If your words don’t “ring true” to you, neither will they to your audience. Either rethink your message, or revisit the commitment behind your words.

Honesty Really is the Best Policy

Closely related to alignment is honesty. Not being fully truthful takes away your audience’s ability to make well-informed decisions. Not that you would ever out-and-out lie to your listeners or readers, but there are subtle ways of being dishonest that affect your credibility, such as:
•    Saying something because it sounds good even if you don’t totally buy into your message
•    Omitting or distorting information because you’re afraid people won’t like what you have to say
•    Misleading your audience with statistics, credentials, or emotions to look good or accomplish personal goals.

Well intended or not, being dishonest dilutes your effectiveness because the truth will eventually come out – in your body language, by someone else ‘catching’ you; or through inconsistencies in your message.

Don’t Be a Chameleon

Being able to predict human behavior helps people feel safe. So when people hear inconsistencies in someone’s words, an inner alarm goes off. Think about politicians who switch positions on an issue during a campaign, and how public distrust reflects in the polls. Your message may become inconsistent if you:
•    are not sure what your message really is
•    are trying to please everyone all the time
•    change your basic message to suit different groups
•    don’t really buy into your position in the first place.

It’s best to choose your position and the ideal target audience who benefits most from what you have to say. This doesn’t mean that your message won’t evolve over time. What remains the same, however, are your own core values and the alignment between your actions and your words.

I’m OK, You’re OK

Finally, being ethical means accepting that not everyone thinks like you do. Speaking your truth even when others disagree isn’t easy to do, but it does garner respect and trust from your audience. This also means avoiding bigotry or ethnic slurs; insults and slander; unsolicited judgment or criticism; and sarcasm or teasing that belittles or shames another person. You are a powerful communicator when you stay true to your own course, letting others’ opinions and emotions be about their “stuff,” not yours.

So think about a message you’re working on right now. Check in that your actions align with your words; that you are telling the truth to yourself and others; that it’s consistent with earlier messages; and that your message respects those who receive it. When you build your message on a solid ethical foundation, you give your voice unshakable power and appeal!

“When words & manners leave you no space for yourself
make
very personal
very clear
& your obstructions will join you or disappear.”  ~ Ntozake Shange

There are two basic parts to all communication: 1) content and 2)
relationship. What this means is every single thing you say or write has
the power to both inform and affect your relationship with the recipient.
Expert speakers and writers are keenly aware of this and use it to their
benefit. To communicate with appeal, you must create a personal connection
with your audience. There are several ways to do this:

- Build common ground
- Give them what they want
- Be a real person
- Continue the relationship

BUILD COMMON GROUND
A basic tenet of psychology is that we like people who are like us. Think
about a conversation you’ve had with someone you just met. What were you
doing beneath the small talk? Discovering things you have in common. Recall
your delight when you found out you both grew up in the same city, or that
your kids go to the same school. Sharing common experiences helps us
predict a person’s values, thoughts, and behavior, making it safe to get
closer to them.

The back-and-forth nature of conversation makes it relatively easy to
build common ground. But if you’re giving a speech or writing an article,
you may need to do some research first to determine what you have in common
with your readers or listeners. Look for elements such as geography,
education, training, skills, abilities, organizations, relationships or
specialized language (jargon). Take care, however, to never misrepresent
yourself or your affiliations merely to “get in good” with your
audience.

And don’t forget about non-verbal communication. Apparel, appearance,
and actions all point to whether or not you’re a member of your
audience’s “club.” Matching your style and energy to your audience
helps emphasize your similarities rather than your differences.

GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT
Face it, it’s all about me. And, it’s all about you. We are each the
center of our own universe; for your message to reach someone you have to
take that into consideration. You may have specific goals for speaking or
writing, but remember that your audience has their own goals for listening
to or reading your words. So make sure your message addresses what they
need. Do they want information, inspiration, or entertainment? The more
closely your goals match theirs, the easier it is to capture their
attention. Even when your agenda is different from theirs or the news is
bad, keep their interests in mind (How will this affect me? What do I do
now?) and they will be more open to yours.

BE A REAL PERSON
Just like Geppetto, who long dreamed that his Pinnochio would someday
become a real boy, your audience wants you to be a real person, not a
wooden doll. You can be the premier expert in your field, but if people
can’t connect with you as a human being, you will eventually lose them.

It’s easy to get caught up in trying to impress people and look good –
but so often the more you try the less you succeed! The antidote? Be
yourself. Share your stories. Express your feelings. I used to work for a
technical services firm, and even in the driest sales presentations,
clients were most impressed by engineers who smiled and were genuinely
excited about the work they did.

CONTINUE THE RELATIONSHIP
Relationships are built over time. Yet so often a person will write one
article and wait for clients to call, give a single presentation and look
for the contract, or send out a resumé and expect a job offer! It takes
time for people to know you, like you, and trust you, so the most effective
communicators make sure they interact with their audiences again and again.
Schedule a follow-up meeting at the end of a sales presentation; raffle off
a free consultation after an association talk; invite people to subscribe
to your newsletter at a networking event; include your Website, email
and/or phone number in your article byline.

So next time you speak, write, or mix and mingle—focus on building common
ground, incorporating your audience’s goals, putting yourself into your message,
and creating a way to continue the relationship. That old saying “Familiarity
breeds contempt” doesn’t apply at all in effective communication. Rather,
familiarity breeds comfort and eagerness to communicate with you again!

There’s an art to getting the most out of a buffet.

First, you assess the size of your plate. Sometimes you get a big, generous plate; some even have edges that curve upward for extra filling capacity. Other times you get a dinky little plate, barely enough to hold a couple of meatballs and a cocktail shrimp.

Once you know the size of your plate, you cruise the offerings and see
what you’d like to fill your plate with, and what you can skip. If you
just start scooping up from start to finish, even with the smallest
portions you’ll run out of room, and possibly missing out on your
favorite foods.

You also want to know how often you can go back through the line. Is it a
one-time, all-you-can-eat, pile-it-high kind of affair, or a bountiful
feast you can return to again and again?

The Buffet Line of Your Life
I’m probably not telling you anything new (unless you’ve never been to
a buffet). But you may not have realized that you can follow these same
principles with your time and energy to create a joyful, satisfying life.
Instead, so many of us do the opposite. We don’t assess the size of our
“plate” and take on more than we can chew. We load up on whatever comes
our way, with no room left for the things we really love. We gorge
ourselves on a plate that’s overflowing with mediocrity — resulting in
stress, frustration, and tummy aches.

So what to do? Let’s go back to the front of our proverbial buffet line,
and reassess what you have available and what you have to work with.

What Size is Your Plate?
Look carefully at your plate. You can think of its diameter as the total
amount of time you have at your disposal. This amount will vary depending
on your particular business or career, family life, financial state, social
commitments, etc. Whether small or large, the absolute limits of your free
time are critical to know before “filling your plate.”

Another dimension to your plate’s capacity is its depth. Is it shallow
and flat, or deep and curved? This is comparable to the amount of energy
you have. Your energy level is affected by many factors as well, such as
your genetic makeup, your age, your health, your outlook on life, to name a
few.

Note that there’s a relationship between your plate’s diameter and its
depth. You may have a lot of things competing for your time (small plate),
but you are strong and healthy and energetic (deep dish), so you may be
able to put a lot on your plate. Conversely, while you may not have many
commitments taking up your time, you may have physical or other challenges
that decrease how much you can realistically pile on.

Pick Out Your Favorite Items
Now that you understand your capacity, let’s move to what’s available
to you. Cruise through the buffet line of your life. What would you ideally
like to be spending more time on? What’s most important to you? Here’s
an enlightening exercise:

1. Take a piece of paper and make three separate columns.

2. In column A, list all the things you spend time and energy on in your
life. Be thorough. Don’t leave anything out.

3. In column B, rate how important each commitment is to you, on a scale
from one to ten.

4. In column C, rate how much of your time or energy you spend on that
item.

Pay attention to discrepancies between what you want to be doing and
what you are doing. These are clues to how you load yourself up and where
you might need to readjust.

One Time Through?
Once you’ve perused all the items on your life’s buffet, think about
which are routine or mundane, and which are “once-in-a-lifetime”
experiences. Are you missing your child’s milestone events to work late
yet again on an unsatisfying project? Or are you passing up a critical
promotion opportunity because you’d rather get together with your
friends? Ultimately, we only get so many trips through the “buffet
line,” so if you want to feel more content with your life overall,
deliberately choose those morsels that are most satisfying to you, both
during the meal and after it’s over.

Strategies for Success
This all sounds easy enough on paper or even in a buffet line, but what if
you’ve already overloaded your very small plate? The key is awareness,
commitment, and patience.

- Be aware of what you are saying yes to, all the time. Evaluate it
against your list of what you really want on your plate and see how well it
aligns. Say ‘no’ where you can. Even once.

- Be willing to commit to doing one thing each day (or week or month) that
shifts your plate from what you feel you have to be doing to what you want
to be doing. Delegate, automate, ask for help, remember to say no.

- Be patient with yourself. You might have a lifelong habit of rushing
through your buffet line, piling your plate high, and feeling obligated to
consume everything long after you have desire (or room) left.The wonderful
thing about a buffet is that, really, you’re in control. You may not be
able to command the size of your plate, but you can always choose what goes
on it.

So what will go on your plate today?